Books

Behind the Curtain: 3 Questions Leaders Must Ask (Post #2)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

(Written by Mark Stanifer, SightShift Certified Coach and founder of Dare2LiveCoaching.com)

You’ll recall from Part 1 of this series that the question being explored is this: “What questions must be answered to ensure your public persona matches your behind-the-curtain private one?” The first question that must be asked is, “Where am I trying to take for me rather than give for others?” There are two more questions a leader must wrestle with in order to ensure alignment between public and private personas.

Let’s return to the account of Jesus in the wilderness and explore the second test.

~~~~

Compromise or Commit

The second test Jesus faced went straight to his values. The tempter was inviting him to compromise. Testing if he would stay committed. Yet Jesus, as our leader example, modeled what his ultimate value was in the way he responded to this second test.

None of us will face stakes as high as what Jesus faced in this test. The tempter was offering him the kingdom of earth. Now, we know the enemy’s pattern from the early pages of the Bible. It is to cast doubt on the authority and trustworthiness of God, to undermine Him and his creation. We should not presume that Jesus wasn’t affected by his offer. The enemy knows how to exploit our humanness.

The second question a leader can ask is this: Where am I compromising, rather than committed to, my values?

It may be helpful here for you to think of values in this way: centered on God and committed to becoming who He made you to be.

The offer Jesus was given was the antithesis to those values: substitute something other than God as the center and deviate from the path of becoming the best and fullest expression of himself. Understanding his test in this light makes it directly relatable to the tests (the refining) that leaders face. How are you answering that question, in the things that seem insignificant and in the things where the significance is great?

You may read that last statement and feel the pressure to double down striving to be good in all things. The intent here is not to heap perfectionistic pressure on you and make the striving any heavier to bear. Relax and let Father’s refining do its good work. Or you may discount the insignificant and focus only on the big things. Recognize, however, that big things always start off as little ones. For you, the growth opportunity is to notice the smaller testing moments and stay committed vs compromising. In both cases, God’s process is refining you to be “mature and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:4)

Photo by Mark Duffel on Unsplash

(Post #3 tomorrow)

Behind the Curtain: 3 Questions Leaders Must Ask (Post #1)

/ johngregoryjr / 1 Comment

(Written by Mark Stanifer, SightShift Certified Coach and founder of Dare2LiveCoaching.com)

“What questions must be answered to ensure your public persona matches your behind-the-curtain private one?”

John posed that question to me recently. While he didn’t elaborate on where it came from, knowing John there was an experience that led to him asking himself that question first. And then he followed his curiosity, wondering how others would answer it. In this article, I approach the question from a leadership lens. But, in truth, what follows applies to anyone who wants to fully be who they were created to be.

In thinking about that question, I couldn’t help but consider some very public and horrendous examples of where leaders displayed public personas that were very different than the one behind the curtain. Mark Driscoll, Bill Hybels and Ravi Zacharias come to mind immediately. Despite any positive impact these leaders had, it is now obvious that what was behind the curtain did not match the image on public display.

These are just three negative examples. The splashy and traumatic ones that make the news. There are countless others, as well as countless examples of where the public and private personas did match. Although they don’t make the news, no doubt you’ve experienced both.

So what makes the difference? What are the ingredients that lead to congruency in the personas of some and not others? What can we draw from the failures, and not just the epic and public ones, that will help us avoid similar outcomes? I’m going to borrow a line from C.S. Lewis’ opening forward to his book, Mere Christianity, here. There are “far more, and more talented, authors already engaged in such matters” as to the numerous differences between leaders who are congruent or not in public and private personas.

Instead, let’s return to the original curiosity of what questions can help lead to congruency for the leader.

The Temptation of Jesus

In Luke 4:1-13, the gospel writer describes the testing of Jesus in the wilderness. The importance of the experience Jesus had immediately before this — his baptism and the Father’s affirmation of Jesus’ identity — cannot be overlooked when considering the wilderness account of chapter 4. Jesus knew who he was and where he was going before facing the test of the wilderness. That was the foundation that allowed him to pass the test.

Yet, in the testing, we see a glimpse of what all leaders face. Jesus, as a man, was subject to the same temptations we face. Paul affirms this in 1 Corinthians 10:13. The Message version says this, “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.” Including Jesus.

James 1 also talks about testing and trials and temptation. It’s helpful here to think of these words as describing a process of refining, so we can be “mature and complete, lacking nothing” (v4). In other words, the tests and temptations which life brings are opportunities the Father uses to help us become the fullest and best expression of who He wants us to be.

Although likely obvious, it is worth stating that the congruency of public and private persona to which we’re aspiring in this article is one in which the leader’s example is loving God and loving others. Christ-like. And with Jesus as the example, we find in his wilderness temptation three questions a leader can ask to help pass their own tests. To help keep the visible persona aligned with the behind-the-curtain persona.

Take or Give

The first test Jesus faced came after a 40-day fast. Jesus was hungry. The account in Luke 4:2 says so. It is not true to the text or Jesus’ humanity to believe otherwise. Jesus’ tempter surely understood that; otherwise the first question would have been different. There is no doubt that Jesus desired food. But in that moment, his desire for food was not greater than his desire to be grounded in who he was, who the Father said he was.

The first question a leader can ask is this: Where am I trying to take for me rather than give for others?

Jesus had the authority and the power to do what the tempter was suggesting. He had the desire for food; anyone fasting for only a few meals know that same desire. He had the means. He had the motive. And now had an opportunity. Yet he resisted the temptation. He passed the test and was refined in the process, because he chose not to take for himself.

This isn’t to say that desires should be denied or ignored. Hunger, left unfulfilled, doesn’t give life. Desire is natural, and God ordained. But when desire is not channeled by the grounding of one’s identity it will result in the choice to take rather than give. The consequences of taking for oneself could be small or they could be significant. Think of David and what his desire did to Bathsheba and Uriah and the ripple effect on his kingdom and impact as the leader.

Motive is important here. It’s what makes the difference between cooperating with the testing (refining) process and pushing against it. This first question helps the leader uncover the motive surrounding the desire — Is it for me and my gain or for the benefit of others?

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

(Series continued tomorrow)

Saving Lives: We All Can

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Recently in a class I was facilitating, two references to suicidal ideation were unexpectedly mentioned. The first one was definitely out of nowhere for me and the rest of the class.

The main topic of that night’s class was finding peace in your beliefs. Naturally, the first presenter of three on the night’s program was a pastor. While he was speaking, a participant shared this in the chat (Zoom meeting):

I just want to let you know that you saved my life when I found you on tiktok.

The second reference to the possible loss of life was shared by the second presenter, a church attendee sharing their story in finding a church home. Part of this story included suicide consideration-this after serving on several church staffs, by the way.

After hearing these personal stories from two people who could easily no longer be on earth, a connection crossed my mind. The theme of the class was finding peace. These two had a season where they were searching for peace. In that season of lacking peace, their lives were at risk.

CONNECTION: Lack of peace is life threatening.

I shared that connection with the class and then offered this encouragement to everyone. Whatever you have offering peace to any community (family, neighborhood, work, church, city), your offering saves lives. It’s not only the pastor who brings peace by preaching or aiding someone in securing their personal beliefs. It’s also the teacher who asks the student about the bruise. It’s the law enforcement officer who delivers good news. It’s the grocery shopper who commends the cashier. It’s the neighbor who offers to mow the yard. It’s anyone who takes time to notice and inquires when they sense a lack of peace.

Any effort to bring, restore, support, or provide peace is life saving. For them. For you. For us.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.”

Matthew 5:9

Child of God, how did you make peace this week? Congratulations! You saved life.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Against Empathy (book review)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Took me a while, but I finished Paul Bloom’s Against Empathy.

As a more rational than emotional human, not only did I appreciate Bloom’s premise and defense, I also gained perspective. The sense of empathy he addresses is this:

Empathy is the act of coming to experience the world as you think someone else does.

Chapter 1, Other People’s Shoes

The title of that chapter is certainly something I’ve attempted to pursue in compassion growth. Try walking in other people’s shoes. What Bloom suggests is a balance of emotion that can go awry when rational compassion is untapped. For example, he shared this truth about himself:

…in the year of the Sandy Hook killings, more schoolchildren were murdered in one American city-Chicago-than were murdered in Newtown, and yet I’ve never thought about those murdered Chicago children before looking that up, and I’m not likely to think about them again…while my mind often drifts back to Newtown. Why?

Chapter 1, Other People’s Shoes

Bloom argues what really matters in everyday life is self-control and intelligence about compassion not being highjacked by high empathy caught up in the suffering of other people. Caring for the suffering must involve assessing how best to do so. This assessing is what effective altruists define as combining heart and head.

With each chapter, Bloom digs deeper touching on intimacy, violence and cruelty, and the age of reason. He admits his views are not readily appreciated, but stands his ground with fair judgment of his own work and other researcher’s results.

The result: I’m no longer going to mindlessly nod my head in agreement the next time a voice heralds a need for empathy. I’m going to check my own voice. I wouldn’t use Bloom’s declaration that empathy is something to avoid. But I am going to go deeper than the surface of immediate reaction to suffering. If Bloom’s premise raises any level of reaction for you, add this title to your list to read.

By the way, it’s available on hoopla.

Sunk Down Deep

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

‭‭A little one-question quiz for you. Which biblical character said these words:

I had sunk down deep below the mountains beneath the sea. I knew that forever, I would be a prisoner there. But, you, Lord God, rescued me from that pit.

When I read this particular verse this week, I chose to sit in it for a few minutes in attempt to feel the impact of their situation. Any of these words or phrases feel familiar?

  • “Had sunk down”…indicates an awareness of the gradual process that led to where they found themselves.
  • “Deep below the mountains”…expresses they feel completely alone, no one is around.
  • “Beneath the sea”…not only do they feel alone, it’s a sense of desperation that no one can even go where they are.
  • “I knew”…they believed, were convinced, had come to the realization.
  • “Forever”…this was it; there was no hope of things ever changing; they were resigned to their fate.
  • “A prisoner”…they saw no way out, certainly not a way within their power, and no one was around to provide a way.
  • “But, you, Lord God”…no one, that is, but their God. Their God was the only one with a way out.

If any of these thoughts, emotions, and expressions correlate to you today, take a few minutes to find this person’s story and read it through a different lens.

You’ll find this person’s story in the Old Testament. The person? Jonah. The quote? Verse 6 from his prayer in chapter 2 (CEV).

Photo by Jeremy Lanfranchi on Unsplash

The 6 overlooked words of Numbers 20

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Numbers 20 tells a significant story in Moses’ life. After reading it this week, I believe it actually tells two significant stories. One just overshadows the other.

Both stories changed Moses’ future. The one that gets the most focus is his “not trusting in God enough to honor him as holy in the sight of the Israelites” (v.13) by striking the rock rather than speaking to it to produce water. This decision cost him dearly; he didn’t get to enter the Promised Land.

Before that choice, Moses experienced a normal but ugly thing in life, something he couldn’t control. Death.

In the first month the whole Israelite community arrived at the Desert of Zin, and they stayed at Kadesh. There Miriam died and was buried.

Verse 1

Those last six words jumped off the page. I knew his sister died before Moses and his brother Aaron, but I had never put her death as happening in the same chapter as his future-altering choice.

Unfortunately, those six words are all we have. We don’t know anything else. We’re left to wonder.

  • How did Miriam die?
  • Had their relationship healed from the scene in Numbers 12? (By the way, that’s where we find this statement: (Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.)
  • How much time passed between verse 1 and verse 2 in this chapter?
  • What level of grief did Moses experience after his sister’s death?

Moses’ story has always intrigued me. These questions will go answered, but they should be infused in our interpretation and meditation of his life. 

  • Is it possible grief influenced this meek man to a choice he didn’t see coming?
  • Considering the unique elements of Moses’ early life (being pulled from his family of origin, conflicting allegiances, father/son relationship), certainly they impacted his development and actions, right? 
  • Death had to be a struggle for Moses considering his history of taking it into his own hands, right?

I’m learning this more and more. Rather than judge the action in the moment, we’d show more care and love to consider what led up to it. Particularly when we are in the dark, a place we often find ourselves in biblical stories. 

All the words matter. I’m doing my best to consider them all.

Photo by Ahmed M Elpahwee on Unsplash

Humble Inquiry (book review)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

What a first read for 2024! Not sure how I came across it, but Edgar Schein’s Humble Inquiry is both refreshing and challenging. And I read the first edition not realizing there is a second edition. Wonder what I missed?

We cannot hope to understand and work with people from different occupational, professional, and national cultures if we do not know how to ask questions and build relationships that are based on mutual respect and the recognition that others know things that we may need to know in order to get a job done.

Introduction: Creating Positive Relationships and Effective Organizations

Schein contributed over five decades to the field of organizational health, a good portion of that as a MIT professor. His work was/is countercultural to the mindset of Doing and Telling.

Humble Inquiry is the art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.

Introduction

Schein repeatedly describes relationships with these words: trust, interactive, conversational, building, investing, processing, shared value, and mutual. After chapter 1’s focus on defining humility, chapter 2 shares case examples to which Schein keeps referencing through the remaining chapters. These three statements display the chapter’s nuggets:

Don’t assume that the person with the question has asked the right question.

Accessing your ignorance, or allowing curiosity to lead you, is often the best guide to what to ask about.

Humble Inquiry is behavior that comes out of respect and the desire to improve the quality of the conversation by stimulating greater openness and the sharing of task-relevant information.

Chapter 2, Humble Inquiry in Practice-Case Examples

Chapter 4, “The Culture of Do and Tell,” gives the most countercultural challenge, at least to U.S. readers. He believes the main problem standing in the way of better relationships and conversations is our culture that values task accomplishment more than relationship building. A second problem is asking, in general, is less valued that telling. Schein suggests the key to overcome these problems is Here-and-now Humility, described in chapter 1 as admitting dependence on others.

Schein culminates his work well with the last chapter as a “how to.” He makes a helpful acknowledgement that a culture shift requires unlearning and new learning, which result in two types of anxiety he labels survival anxiety and learning anxiety. The courage to face anxiety can result in beautiful relationships that otherwise wouldn’t surface.

A well-timed Humble Inquiry that launches a conversation that leads to a relationship should be thought of as a thing of beauty. Innovations in how we conduct conversations should be treated as art.

Chapter 7, Developing the Attitude of Humble Inquiry

Anyone in leadership will grow personally and relationally by reading Humble Inquiry. I’d also encourage business/executive coaches to read Schein’s book to sharpen themselves and to resource their clients.

Putting Ourselves in the Center

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

My annual reading of AWE by Paul David Tripp last month was timely. It also was impacted by growth in the last 12 months. I read through a different lens. Result: I continue to appreciate the big idea that checking our awe is valuable.

The first quote that stood out to me in this reading was from chapter 4, “Replacement”:

When we put ourselves in the center of the story, not only do we become rebels against God, we become a danger to ourselves and others.

Is putting ourselves in the center of the story a battle? For everyone. Is the thought that this means rebelling against God and endangering everyone mainstream? Nope. Maybe that’s why everyone battles it.

We don’t have to agree with Tripp. What we can do is challenge our mind and spirit to check our heart when we find ourselves in the center of the story. Is God on my heart’s throne right now? Are any relationships struggling right now? How is my joy and rest?

The second quote that stood out was from chapter 13, “Work”:

If you look to achievement to feel good about your life, to feel secure, or to have a life of meaning and purpose, then you will be dissatisfied with today’s success.

This sounds familiar (check out this post). The buzz of achievement dies. That buzz will not be satisfied by another achievement. Funny how my achievement also puts me in the center of the story.

When we find ourselves in the center of today’s story looking for the next buzz, it’s time for an awe check.

Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash

2023 Library

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

For a sixth year I have followed a self-developed reading strategy with the objective to read broader. The goal: read books falling under diverse headings. This strategy is still working for me, particularly this year-the richest year of reading in a while.

For the curious, here is the library of 22 books including avenue of reading:

  • Against the Pollution of the I by Jacques Lusseyran (hoopla)
  • All That I Dread by Linda White (kindle)…the five titles by Linda White in the list are a series of fictional books
  • An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor (hoopla)…my favorite book on the list
  • The Awakened Brain by Dr. Lisa Miller (hard copy)…most thought-provoking book on the list
  • Awe by Paul David Tripp (kindle)…an annual read
  • Faith Beyond Belief by David Steindl-Rast and Anselm Grun (hoopla)…most engaging book on the list
  • The Fear That Chases Me by Linda White (kindle)
  • Finding God in the Waves by Mike McHargue (hoopla audio)…most compelling book on the list
  • Freedom Journeys: The Tale of Exodus and Wilderness across Millennia by Rabbi Arthur Waskow and Rabbi Phyllis Berman (hoopla)
  • Holy Hygge by Jamie Erickson (hard copy)…the best big idea book on the list
  • Jesus Wept by Bruce Marchiano (hard copy)
  • Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor (hoopla)
  • My Darkest Night by Linda White (kindle)
  • Prayers for Freedom by Bruce Wilkinson (hoopla)
  • Rich in Heaven by Chris Mackey (hoopla)
  • Silence and Beauty by Makoto Fujimara (hoopla)
  • Solo by Stephen Smith and Peter Ivey (kindle)…most practical book on the list
  • South by Ernest Shackleton (hoopla)
  • Toughest People to Love by Chuck DeGroat (hoopla)…most helpful book on the list
  • When Evil Finds Us by Linda White (kindle)
  • Winter Flight by Linda White (kindle)
  • The Wisdom of Your Body Hillary McBride (hoopla)

NOTE: If you’re not familiar with hoopla, check it out: https://www.hoopladigital.com/

5 Steps to Customize Your Own Year-Long Bible Reading Plan on YouVersion

/ johngregoryjr / 2 Comments

(updated from 1/21/23 post)

A year’s commitment to anything can sound daunting. I imagine that’s the feeling most people have when they consider committing to a 365-day Bible reading plan.

Besides that, most of those plans are designed to take you through the entire Bible. A worthy goal to pursue at least once in life. Yet, the challenge to get that done in a year can be tempting to ditch.

I completed one of those plans once on YouVersion…in about 3 years. See the point.

It took me that long because I choose to take my time. And I like to veer off track. If I want to campout in Jonah longer, I do. If I’m intrigued by a theme in Romans, I’ll take a break from the plan and complete other plans covering that theme…as many as I want as long as I want. Coloring outside the lines.

But the idea of reading a portion of the Bible every day does not mean you have to read the entire Bible in any set amount of time. All it means is placing a priority, developing a rhythm in your day that includes reading the Bible. Whenever you do it, how long you do it, where you do it, that’s entirely up to you. And, for those other rule breakers, what you read is also entirely up to you.

For quite a while, I’ve been using YouVersion reading plans. A nice thing that’s possible is customizing a year-long reading plan. Want to give it a try? Here are five steps.

  1. Determine to Make a Daily Commitment. Pretty obvious, but if you aren’t resolved to it, you won’t make it to December 31st. Sure, you might miss a day here or there. Understandable. Give yourself some grace and think about the fact that odds are you’ve got 5 minutes to give to this commitment and missing it a couple of times doesn’t make you a loser. If you are in, move on to step 2.
  2. Decide on a Theme. There’s a popular trend that’s replacing making New Year’s Resolutions. Instead of setting goals and aspirations, you choose a word that you’d like to guide you for the year. Not sure about that, check out this podcast episode to learn more. I started this in 2020. Each year I’ve utilized it differently, more broadly. This year, that word is what I’m using to customize my Bible reading. My word for 2024 is courage. Know your theme? Move on to step 3.
  3. Search Plans. On the YouVersion app (download it now if you haven’t already), you can search for reading plans simply by typing in a word. Most likely, dozens of reading plans are available. You’re ready for step 4.
  4. Save for Later. On each plan description, you have two choices: sample and save for later. Sample allows you to check out any day of the plan. I do that to get an impression if I think I’ll complete it. If I think so, then I save it for later. You don’t have to start the plan when you find it. I’m not worrying about saving enough plans that equal 365 days, by the way. I just saved the ones that looked interesting to me for now. At the moment, I’ve saved enough plans to get me into February (total up the days for each plan to see how many days you’ve already covered). Saved at least one plan? Final step is next.
  5. Follow the Thread. As you read each plan, some verse/story/character will stand out, grab your attention. Take note. Follow that lead to search for other plans to save for later. For instance, since I did my initial plan saving, the book of 1 Peter has gotten my attention. Adding reading plans can feel very fluid and interactive.

That’s it. This approach proved worthwhile and meaningful last year. If it ain’t broke…