Learning & Growth

3 Losses Worth Counting

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I resumed listening to Everything Happens this week after referring it to a friend. Always superb.

At the end of episode 8, season 15, Kate made this statement:

The places we come from, the people we love, the losses we carry, they shape us. They shape how we endure, how we hope, how we begin again.

“The losses we carry” struck me. I imagine because that describes some of my experience the last six months. These losses caught me by surprise-I didn’t see them coming. Well, sorta, but not in the way they came.

As I thought about them, a curious thought crossed my mind. “What if, in the effort of naming things, I counted my losses?” It wasn’t a “cut my losses and move on” thought. Rather, it was, “I believe there could be some value in reviewing them, determining what may have caused them, and defining the lessons learned.”

Somewhat like Seph Schlueter’s song Counting My Blessings, but the opposite.

Through this lens, here are three losses that have shaped my year that I’m happy to count:

Losing what I didn’t need-trust in the wrong people. Losing trust is always hard. I’ll go out on a limb to say that’s universal. But however long it takes, we can endure, find hope, and begin again. It took me a couple of months this time. And one key to endurance was leaning in to those who’ve proven they are the right people to trust.

Losing what I’d misplaced-hope in the wrong object. This one is on me. And it’s pretty universal also. We often find ourselves falling for what we can see becoming the object of our hope. If you can see it, it can become your hope bank. But when the wakeup alarm sounds, I see it as a notice to run back to the right object of hope and begin again.

Losing unhealthy emotions-anger for what can’t change. These emotions are everywhere, continuously on display, even celebrated. Exhausting. Disruptive. Gap-widening. They are not to be endured. They can be acknowledged, then I’ve found it best to begin again by working toward the grace to forgive myself for choosing them and averting my mind, heart, and body to gaze, consume, and maybe even fake healthy emotions until they take root and restore hope.

Loss seems harder and harder while aging. Maybe the lack of counting them is to blame. Here’s to better balance. Count it all.

Photo by Hisham Yahya on Unsplash

Life-giving Weekend

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Two Monday mornings ago, the small talk entering the building started with a twist on a common question. Rather than asking how was the weekend, I was asked if I did anything lifegiving.

“Every weekend is lifegiving,” I responded.

“Wow. That’s a pretty high standard.”

“I think it should be pretty normal.”

Small talk over.

I’m pretty sure we needed to clear something up were the conversation to continue. What defines as lifegiving? I don’t think we shared the same parameters or scale.

Lifegiving does not have to be synonymous with…

  • Once in a lifetime
  • Lifechanging
  • Big bucks
  • Plastered over social media

Lifegiving can be as simple as…

  • Slowing down
  • Having nothing on the agenda
  • Taking a nap
  • Time with Your Ones doing or just being

With an intentional and clear understanding of what breathes life into you, every weekend can be lifegiving. It’s a mindset. It can actually be commonplace. If that’s a high standard, so be it.

What breathes life into your body, mind, and spirit? What’s one way to make that happen these next two days?

Photo by Chris Kursikowski on Unsplash

Single At Heart: The Ones vs. The One

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Chapter five was by far the most insightful and helpful in DePaulo’s book, Single At Heart. Entitled “The Ones,” the message is clear-single at heart people flourish because of their investment in a posse of friends rather than putting all of their emotional and relationship capital into just one person.

After decades of obsessive preoccupation with the study of marriage and romantic partnerships, scholars are increasingly turning their attention to friends.

The awareness of the possibility of a rich life as a single person through friends cannot be overstated. It starts by dropping the fantasy that one person, The One, will be sufficient. DePaulo’s shared research makes that clear.

What does having The Ones look like? It could be through the formation of what some call chosen or found families. Found family members choose over and over again to be there for one another when neither law or custom demands it. These relationships honor authenticity, knowing and loving one another as you are.

As for all the other possibilities, it looks however works best for you. There isn’t an expectation that has to be met. One single person’s group of Ones could be large and another’s much smaller. DePaulo said she doesn’t have nearly as many Ones as others. She has someone she turns to when she has good news, a different person she seeks out when she’s distraught. When she needs to vent some righteous anger, that’s usually someone else.

As a different example, here’s how one subject explained her friends:

There is the friend with whom I go on road trips, the friend who I go to see movies with, the theater buff who is my companion when I wish to see plays, the foodies who like trying out new restaurants like I do, and the potluck and other dinners I have with friends.

Then there’s the reality that some singles at heart can be their own source of comfort and security. Other people aren’t as necessary.

DePaulo’s advice for the Single at Heart:

If friends are at the center of your life, you already take them seriously. Let other people know that…If other people do not have a particularly important place in your life and that’s how you like it, own that too.

Single person, may your Ones enrich your life!

Photo by Considerate Agency on Unsplash

Single At Heart: Psychologically Rich Living

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While traveling a few weeks ago, I read one of the more interesting books for my year.

I intentionally sought out a book on this topic for various reasons, mostly due to observing challenges of recent divorcees and contentment struggles of younger singles. This book did not disappoint.

DePaulo’s approach is thorough, very direct, and heavily researched. You feel like you are listening to an authority on the topic of single living.

Her research led her to this label for those who have come to the conclusion they really aren’t interested in being coupled; they are content in their heart to remain single. To determine one’s level of being single at heart, she developed a 15-question questionnaire. You can find it on this link: https://belladepaulo.com/2019/10/single-at-heart-tell-me-about-your-life-in-your-own-words/

I want to highlight two thoughts in this post and one to follow, although there are many more worthwhile nuggets. The first highlight comes from social research referenced in chapter 1. This study asked people in nine nations to describe their ideal life choosing between three options-happy, meaningful, or psychologically rich.

On their deathbeds, a person who led a happy life might say, “I had fun!” whereas a person who had a meaningful life would think, I made a difference! The parting thoughts of the person who led a psychologically rich life would be, What a journey!

DePaulo determined the psychological richness of single at heart people is the most distinctive, even if they also experienced happiness and meaningfulness. I not only found this insightful, but completely agree.

Following this discussion, she then approached the value of authenticity of single at heart people. Acknowledging anyone of any relationship status can live authentically, she added this insight:

People who are single at heart, though, who are bucking powerful social norms, are especially likely to think deeply about who they really are and what they really want.

These thoughts jumpstart the book. They lay the foundation for what I believe could be excellent dialogue for people of all relationship statuses whose outcome could be psychologically rich living.

Listening to Isaac

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Two and a half hours. That’s how long my wait was last Saturday morning from arriving at the Bismarck, North Dakota airport until the first of three flights heading home from vacation.

When you look at the photo above, you see four black chairs by the wall of windows. That’s where I chose to sit and wait. That’s where I met Isaac.

After the first 30 minutes, he moved to the chair beside me to accommodate a couple that walked up. I felt the need to start the small talk. Genuinely curious about his hoodie, I said, “The colors of your hoodie intrigue me.”

The rest of the conversation was mostly him telling me his story. About his marriage, their daughter, the challenge to bring them to America from the Philippines, his learning to walk again following a hospital stay, his struggles about making the right decision, being brought up Catholic, and his resistance to believe in just about anything due to imposters.

Somewhere in the middle he said, “I have no idea why I’m telling you all this.”

When the words ran out, he thanked me for listening and heading to the security line.

Something told me he needed to talk. Not make a decision. Not get advice. Not make a new friend. Just let it out.

Two strangers connected, around ten minutes. Over the colors of a hoodie. And life.

Psalms: Being Prayed Over

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Many of my more moving moments of prayer have been when someone is being prayed over.

Maybe it’s because we don’t do it enough. Maybe it’s because we wait too long. Maybe it’s simply because it’s the breath of communion.

Each time my spiritual director prays over me, there’s an invitation and connection with the Holy One. Those two things are always in reach, but they seem energized by the words and spirit of a fellow believer.

I’ve witnessed this twice in the last two months while praying over believers in emotional and spiritual pain. It seemed either they were hearing words they didn’t know how to voice or cries exactly aligned with their hearts. These were holy communion moments.

In a different but similar way, I’ve experienced this by an unexpected means this week. Rather than reading my daily scriptures, I’ve utilized the audio reading on the app. Since I’m in Psalms, my experience feels very much like I’m being prayed over. Phrases rang truer, praises raised higher, and promises rose stronger.

Maybe scripture feels lifeless for you today. Maybe someone reading it over you would restart your inhaling and exhaling.

Maybe you’ve ran out of words to pray. Maybe someone praying over you could pick up where you left off, even say what you didn’t know how to or knew you needed to.

Communion awaits.

John Williams: Joy Producer

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As a new Disney+ subscriber, I’m a happy customer, if for no reason to have come across “Music by John Williams.”

Having no knowledge of his background, I now have a deeper respect for his journey and admiration for his dedication to his craft.

The breadth of his work is remarkable, but the volume of it is astounding. It’s almost like he cannot not produce. He states in one clip, “I write music every morning,” almost like, “I have a cup of coffee every morning.” It’s just what he does.

One of life’s pleasures is watching people who love what they do. In all the clips in this documentary, only once did he voice any noticeable frustration, and that was only because he was struggling to find the direction for this complex segment in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

How has he done it? How does he continue to do it in his 90s?

Many answers would all probably be accurate. From watching this film, the one word that answers it for me is joy.

His dedication = rooted in joy

His work ethic = rooted in joy

His varied interests = rooted in joy

His resiliency = rooted in joy

His longevity = rooted in joy

Maybe that’s why the world knows his name, loves his music, and celebrates his heart.

Need some joy? Watch this film-a celebration of producing joy.

The Wisdom of Stability, Part 2-Midday Demons (book review)

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The following chapter in Hartgrove’s book warns, “Buckle Up!”

After encouraging nurturing roots of love, he immediately offers that you can expect spiritual challenges. His first reference retells the story of the desert monastics’ “describing the ‘noonday devil’ who attacks after one commits to stay and begins to feel the heat of high noon.”

This is where the book’s subtitle, “Rooting Faith in a Mobile Culture,” gets highlighted. To stay, to root, to pursue stability “against the seas of constant change makes us susceptible to temptations we would not otherwise have occasion to know.”

The practice of stability cannot be reduced to a quick fix for the spiritual anxiety of a placeless people. It is a process. It takes time…To persevere in the process that leads to real growth, we must learn to name and resist the midday demons.

These are the three midday demons:

  • Ambition’s Whisper
  • Boredom’s Rut
  • Vainglory’s Delusion

I’m quite familiar with the first two. They often show face at high noon. Hartgrove offers several countermoves to these temptations focused on both spirit and body including physical activity, engaging community, and dying well.

This book, available on hoopla and an easy weekend read, is worthwhile. If you only read chapters four and five of this book, you will be enriched. However much you read, you’ll find yourself wiser and pondering your stability.

Photo by 光曦 刘 on Unsplash

The Wisdom of Stability, Part 1-Roots of Love (book review)

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Reading while traveling last weekend I gained a broader definition for stability thanks to Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. His book, The Wisdom of Stability, affirmed and challenged me, leaving me with this evaluation-I’m decently stable, but there’s always need for growth.

It’s important to point out what Hartgrove is addressing. He’s not talking about the need for emotional regulation or mental wellness. In simple terms, he shares a message of valuing staying put, committing to less wandering, and acknowledging “there comes a time to set seeking aside,” as Kathleen Norris states in her foreword.

Example: I overheard someone this morning describing the makeup of three fantasy football leagues they’re active in. One is made up of college friends; another is made up of childhood friends. Possibly without intention, this person is practicing stability in a way that many of us aren’t.

To practice stability is to learn to love both a place and its people. -Chapter 4, “Roots of Love”

Hartgrove uses trees to explain in chapter four. His analogy rings true, especially for those living where I do. Last year’s hurricane season wreaked havoc. Ask those who live where I moved in April. The community lost over a third of its trees. Why? Their roots couldn’t withstand the winds.

The chapter title, “Roots of Love,” comes from a thought by Benedictine Anselm of Canterbury, a twelfth-century monk who compared a restless monk to a tree. “If he often moves from place to place at his own whim, or remaining in one place is frequently agitated by hatred of it, he never achieves stability with roots of love.”

One temptation in the face of agitation is to flee (more about temptations in part two). Hartgrove challenges us to accept this goes against one reason we were made-to intimately share life with our landscape and its people.

How else can we learn the attention that is needed to really know a community? How else would we ever gain the patience that is required to care for a place over time?

Friday, I chose to go inside Chick-fil-A for lunch rather than hurry through the drivethrough. Not many other customers made the same choice, so the hostess had few people to chat up. She chose me as her customer to get to know. She asked a pretty standard question for non-Floridians, “Did you grow up in Florida?” I have to honestly answer that with a no. But when I say I’ve lived in Florida since 1986 and in this area since 2002, the reply is usually something like, “Well, you might as well have.”

More than once my seeking has tempted me to move on.

More than once, I’m reminded that God is wiser than me. With his wisdom comes stability, and with that stability comes wisdom.