Learning & Growth

How Long

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I recently listened to a podcast episode of a prayer event in Europe. The episode’s speaker captured the power of praying the Psalms, particularly in regards to lamenting.

His encouragement to help growth in lamenting was focused on the language of Psalm 13, specifically the first three words: “How Long, Lord.”

My lament went from the page to the piano. Before you listen to the recording, take a moment to meditate on the six verses of this psalm:

[1] How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? [2] How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? [3] Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, [4] and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. [5] But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. [6] I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13 NIV

The Dignity Index

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On some things I’m slow, but hey, I’m moving.

I just discovered yesterday that I can create a playlist of podcast episodes on my app. Who knew?

I came across it trying to figure out a shortcut to relisten to two episodes I experienced while driving back and forth to Georgia for Thanksgiving. These episodes shook me in ways my soul said, “Do it again.”

Yes, one of the episodes was from Everything Happens. The guest was Tim Shriver-educator, author, and longtime Chairman of Special Olympics.

Many takeaways. But the one I’d like to shine a light on is The Dignity Index. Development beginning in 2021 and launched in 2022, the Index is an eight-point scale for measuring how we talk to each other when we disagree.

The Dignity Index is designed to draw our attention away from biases and toward the power we each have to heal our country and each other.

This seems to be needed like no other time. In whatever arena you choose, dignity is often disregarded and sometimes replaced with contempt, which is represented by the lower four scores on the Index.

The Index is a tool for learning, awareness, correction, and uniting. We all can use more of that. I know I can; thus, the episode is on my playlist.

Where in your relationships is dignity lacking, maybe even absent due to contempt? What role might you have to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems? What are you willing to do?

Kids Know More About Joy

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Got to spend five hours with lovely Emerlyn on Tuesday. The featured picture is us reading together-her attempt to stay occupied and avoid napping. It worked.

On my drive the next morning, I heard this exchange between Kate Bowler and guest Nikki Grimes on “Everything Happens“:

Kate: Yeah, Nikki, I feel like I could hear your heartbeat when you talk about joy. It really sustains you. Do you think kids know more about joy than other people? Because I have this sense about the way that it’s connected to noticing and gratitude and hope and delight. Like these are all things kids are particularly good at. I just wonder if some of that—the particularity of kids’ ability to notice and be grateful and to be in the details—makes them maybe more… I think so.

Nikki: Oh, they really can hone in on things in a way that we don’t. If you really want to see something or you want to see it a new way, look through a child’s eyes. They’re always noticing things that adults miss.

Emerlyn is a noticer. A busy railroad track lies earshot from her Rara’s and Pop’s home. Each time the passing trains “chooed,” her head would shoot up, eyes would widen as she echoed, “Choo!”

So yes, Kate, kids are better at joy than their adult people. They don’t seem to know not to be. Everything hasn’t been normalized or discounted or experienced. As Emerlyn’s Rara described, she lives in awe and wonder.

On this Thanksgiving day, find the youngest person you can and spend more time with them than you planned. Tap into joy. Notice along with them.

May gratitude, hope, and delight reign your day.

“Why Not” > “What If”

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I’ve worked part-time for the last two years for Chemistry Staffing as a candidate interviewer. If I thought I knew anything about interviewing before then, I learned quickly I had more to learn.

In a recent staff meeting, the leadership team shared a mindset shift that I completely found refreshing and certainly gracious. Already leaning this direction, the alignment was immediate.

Mindset Shift: “Why Not” ➝ “What If” 

Moving away from disqualifying too quickly and leaning into curiosity:

Old posture: New posture: 

“Why not move this person forward?” “What if this could work?”

Examples:

  • Experience: “He only has 6 years, not 10.” → What if his 6 years included higher complexity than average?
  • Education: “She doesn’t have a master’s.” → What if her teaching and theology are stronger than most grads?
  • Age: “He’s 32; we wanted 40+.” (pick the age, vice versa) → What if he brings energy and innovation beyond his years? What if she has plenty left in the tank?
  • Compensation: “They’re at $75k; we can’t afford them.” → What if they’d take less for the right fit?

Key takeaway: Stay open-handed in early conversations. Gather more information. Avoid prematurely filtering out strong potential fits.

How this is an improvement:

  • Less transactional > more relational
  • Less arrogant > more humble
  • Less rigid > more flexible
  • Less closed > more open
  • Less judgmental > more gracious
  • Less about the interviewer > more about the interviewee

CHALLENGE: Put yourself in both seats. What’s your current mindset? What shifts would you like to pursue?

Photo by Mina Rad on Unsplash

Let Them Release First

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I don’t recall where or who I heard say this about hugs, but it has stuck with me.

To be a great hugger, let them release first.

Those of us who are not naturally big on hugging no matter the reason can, however, practice being great at hugging.

Got some practice yesterday after church.

One of the men who got baptized crossed my path after the service. We’ve hardly spoken in the past. Just some eye contact and short head nods while I’m playing the keyboard and he’s within spitting distance in the audience.

When he saw me coming, he came in for a hug. The Spirit whispered, “Hang on ’til he’s done.”

We didn’t say much. The embrace was plenty.

God shows his glory all day long. Even in hugs.

Photo by Alex Gallegos on Unsplash

Waiting, Choosing, and Giving Up

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“To wait with openness and trust is an enormously radical attitude toward life.  It is choosing to hope that something is happening for us that is far beyond our own imaginings.  It is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life.”  Henri J. M. Nouwen

I’m guessing this is an ongoing discipline for everyone. Sometimes we wait well. Sometimes we choose well. Sometimes we give up well. We live in the ebbs and flows.

That last phrase, “letting God define our life,” is another way of describing my word for 2025 – Rest.

No other picture best captures how it’s played out than this.

I’m eager to play, create, commune, and gather the fruits of waiting, choosing, and giving up.

Beautiful & Terrible

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More than once recently, authors I’m reading have shared this quote:

“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” -Frederick Buechner

The West

The East

The Middle East

Beautiful Waterfalls

Terrible Floods

Beautiful Mountains

Terrible Mudslides

Beautiful Creatures

Terrible Beasts

Beautiful Hearts

Terrible Wounds

Beautiful Words

Terrible Twists

Beautiful Creations

Terrible Destruction

While climbing the mountain, don’t be afraid of falling and miss the view…don’t be afraid of lifting your head long enough to absorb the beauty.

Whenever we’ve experienced beauty, simultaneously, others close by and around the world have endured terrible. It’s challenging to accept this reality. It can be confusing and difficult to hear or to heed the well-intentioned phrase, “Don’t be afraid.”

Maybe that’s why in the 1300’s, a different phrase was offered. A phrase of hope. A more positive nudge to action. “Take heart.” “Take heart” implies finding the strength and courage to face challenges, while “don’t be afraid” can sometimes feel like a dismissive or even a command to suppress natural emotions. “Take heart” encourages an active response to difficult situations, suggesting that we can find the inner resources to overcome obstacles. 

Rather than huddling in siloed fear, we can take heart by openly and collectively assembling in courage.

Rather than douse our minds with worry, we can take heart and ease our spirits with truth.

Rather than suppress our bodies into paralysis, we can take heart to walk, dare run with purposeful action.

After viewing beauty, may your eyes use that filter to interpret the terrible. In the world’s attempt to steal your heart, may you surround yourself with every resource needed to respond, “This heart is mine. It’s not for your taking.”

Take heart as you engage our beautiful and terrible world.

Photo by Artyom Kabajev on Unsplash

3 Losses Worth Counting

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I resumed listening to Everything Happens this week after referring it to a friend. Always superb.

At the end of episode 8, season 15, Kate made this statement:

The places we come from, the people we love, the losses we carry, they shape us. They shape how we endure, how we hope, how we begin again.

“The losses we carry” struck me. I imagine because that describes some of my experience the last six months. These losses caught me by surprise-I didn’t see them coming. Well, sorta, but not in the way they came.

As I thought about them, a curious thought crossed my mind. “What if, in the effort of naming things, I counted my losses?” It wasn’t a “cut my losses and move on” thought. Rather, it was, “I believe there could be some value in reviewing them, determining what may have caused them, and defining the lessons learned.”

Somewhat like Seph Schlueter’s song Counting My Blessings, but the opposite.

Through this lens, here are three losses that have shaped my year that I’m happy to count:

Losing what I didn’t need-trust in the wrong people. Losing trust is always hard. I’ll go out on a limb to say that’s universal. But however long it takes, we can endure, find hope, and begin again. It took me a couple of months this time. And one key to endurance was leaning in to those who’ve proven they are the right people to trust.

Losing what I’d misplaced-hope in the wrong object. This one is on me. And it’s pretty universal also. We often find ourselves falling for what we can see becoming the object of our hope. If you can see it, it can become your hope bank. But when the wakeup alarm sounds, I see it as a notice to run back to the right object of hope and begin again.

Losing unhealthy emotions-anger for what can’t change. These emotions are everywhere, continuously on display, even celebrated. Exhausting. Disruptive. Gap-widening. They are not to be endured. They can be acknowledged, then I’ve found it best to begin again by working toward the grace to forgive myself for choosing them and averting my mind, heart, and body to gaze, consume, and maybe even fake healthy emotions until they take root and restore hope.

Loss seems harder and harder while aging. Maybe the lack of counting them is to blame. Here’s to better balance. Count it all.

Photo by Hisham Yahya on Unsplash

Life-giving Weekend

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Two Monday mornings ago, the small talk entering the building started with a twist on a common question. Rather than asking how was the weekend, I was asked if I did anything lifegiving.

“Every weekend is lifegiving,” I responded.

“Wow. That’s a pretty high standard.”

“I think it should be pretty normal.”

Small talk over.

I’m pretty sure we needed to clear something up were the conversation to continue. What defines as lifegiving? I don’t think we shared the same parameters or scale.

Lifegiving does not have to be synonymous with…

  • Once in a lifetime
  • Lifechanging
  • Big bucks
  • Plastered over social media

Lifegiving can be as simple as…

  • Slowing down
  • Having nothing on the agenda
  • Taking a nap
  • Time with Your Ones doing or just being

With an intentional and clear understanding of what breathes life into you, every weekend can be lifegiving. It’s a mindset. It can actually be commonplace. If that’s a high standard, so be it.

What breathes life into your body, mind, and spirit? What’s one way to make that happen these next two days?

Photo by Chris Kursikowski on Unsplash

Single At Heart: The Ones vs. The One

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Chapter five was by far the most insightful and helpful in DePaulo’s book, Single At Heart. Entitled “The Ones,” the message is clear-single at heart people flourish because of their investment in a posse of friends rather than putting all of their emotional and relationship capital into just one person.

After decades of obsessive preoccupation with the study of marriage and romantic partnerships, scholars are increasingly turning their attention to friends.

The awareness of the possibility of a rich life as a single person through friends cannot be overstated. It starts by dropping the fantasy that one person, The One, will be sufficient. DePaulo’s shared research makes that clear.

What does having The Ones look like? It could be through the formation of what some call chosen or found families. Found family members choose over and over again to be there for one another when neither law or custom demands it. These relationships honor authenticity, knowing and loving one another as you are.

As for all the other possibilities, it looks however works best for you. There isn’t an expectation that has to be met. One single person’s group of Ones could be large and another’s much smaller. DePaulo said she doesn’t have nearly as many Ones as others. She has someone she turns to when she has good news, a different person she seeks out when she’s distraught. When she needs to vent some righteous anger, that’s usually someone else.

As a different example, here’s how one subject explained her friends:

There is the friend with whom I go on road trips, the friend who I go to see movies with, the theater buff who is my companion when I wish to see plays, the foodies who like trying out new restaurants like I do, and the potluck and other dinners I have with friends.

Then there’s the reality that some singles at heart can be their own source of comfort and security. Other people aren’t as necessary.

DePaulo’s advice for the Single at Heart:

If friends are at the center of your life, you already take them seriously. Let other people know that…If other people do not have a particularly important place in your life and that’s how you like it, own that too.

Single person, may your Ones enrich your life!

Photo by Considerate Agency on Unsplash