Divorce

Single At Heart: Psychologically Rich Living

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

While traveling a few weeks ago, I read one of the more interesting books for my year.

I intentionally sought out a book on this topic for various reasons, mostly due to observing challenges of recent divorcees and contentment struggles of younger singles. This book did not disappoint.

DePaulo’s approach is thorough, very direct, and heavily researched. You feel like you are listening to an authority on the topic of single living.

Her research led her to this label for those who have come to the conclusion they really aren’t interested in being coupled; they are content in their heart to remain single. To determine one’s level of being single at heart, she developed a 15-question questionnaire. You can find it on this link: https://belladepaulo.com/2019/10/single-at-heart-tell-me-about-your-life-in-your-own-words/

I want to highlight two thoughts in this post and one to follow, although there are many more worthwhile nuggets. The first highlight comes from social research referenced in chapter 1. This study asked people in nine nations to describe their ideal life choosing between three options-happy, meaningful, or psychologically rich.

On their deathbeds, a person who led a happy life might say, “I had fun!” whereas a person who had a meaningful life would think, I made a difference! The parting thoughts of the person who led a psychologically rich life would be, What a journey!

DePaulo determined the psychological richness of single at heart people is the most distinctive, even if they also experienced happiness and meaningfulness. I not only found this insightful, but completely agree.

Following this discussion, she then approached the value of authenticity of single at heart people. Acknowledging anyone of any relationship status can live authentically, she added this insight:

People who are single at heart, though, who are bucking powerful social norms, are especially likely to think deeply about who they really are and what they really want.

These thoughts jumpstart the book. They lay the foundation for what I believe could be excellent dialogue for people of all relationship statuses whose outcome could be psychologically rich living.

Valley/Highland/Grace Friends

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

I’ve written about friends in previous posts. Nose hair friends. 21st Century friends. Even three types of hard times friends. This morning a new thought bloomed based on the song in this video.

I first heard this song after being pointed to it by a nose hair friend going through hard times. It’s on my 2025 Rest Playlist, which I started my day with today. Because friendship was on my mind, I listened to this song with a different ear and heart.

Here’s the thought that surfaced:

Some friends are better valley friends; some friends are better highlands friends.

I can hear some head scratching. “John, true friends, real friends don’t care about valleys and highlands. They’re in it for all of it.” Heard. But let me tell you my experience.

Back in the early-90s while in my 20s, I had a group of friends that got together often to play card games. Anywhere from 4-6 of us. We were friends mostly through work and church. Some were married, some single. We were very much highlands friends.

Eventually we all parted ways as relationships go, yet we tried to keep in touch. And then, one of the couples got a divorce. In that moment, we were challenged.

I had never experienced friends getting a divorce. For that matter, I’d never experienced anyone divorcing that was close to me. It was foreign territory. An unknown valley that I was more observing than experiencing. And as much as I tried, it was just awkward. The result? These days we’d call it ghosting. I felt a lot of guilt about it.

Forward five years, another couple of church friends got divorced. This time, I knew better, and I was the valley friend they needed. I had grown in what it meant to be a friend through the valley. That experience led me to go back to my first divorced friend and acknowledge I could have been a better friend through his valley.

Here I sit almost thirty years later, and it’s like I’m the opposite-better valley friend than highland friend. And when I listened to this song this morning with my friend evaluator hat on, it was a call to grace.

Grace for myself. Sure, I’d like to be the ideal friend regardless of the space. When I believe I’m not, grant myself grace to grow in whichever land my friend is walking.

Grace for my friends. Sure, I’d like them to be ideal friends regardless of my space. When I’m tempted to say they aren’t, grant them grace to grow in the land I’m walking.

Maybe the lesson isn’t as much about valley and highland friends. It’s about grace granting, to others and to myself. “All the same.”

Fruity Fridays: Joy Comes in the Morning

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

by Eric Vorhies

Several years ago I heard a speaker share an experience about a college basketball game that he wanted to watch. He was unable to watch it live, but he managed to record it. His plan was to avoid all TVs for the day. I also imagine that his conversations were similar to: “Don’t tell me the score of the game, and when is my next meeting?” Finally, he got home and as he was walking through the door, he thought, “I did it.” Then he was greeted warmly by his son, “Wow, that was an exciting win today dad!”

Though irritated, he was determined. He started watching the game. Like with all sporting events, some bad calls were made. Poor decisions, injuries, and deficits were suffered by his team. And that’s when something interesting happened. This experience was different. He knew the outcome. The pointless turnover was emotionally mitigated by the fact that his team would win. All the stressful moments were no match for the knowledge of victory.

Each part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, in my understanding, is a perspective shift. Joy is not about being excited or happy about the present circumstances. It is about knowing that those present circumstances aren’t permanent. Armed with the knowledge of future victory, Paul writes, “In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content.”

The theme of Psalm 30 can be found in its fifth verse: “Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning.” Today some people are dealing with weeping spending the night. The pain of life is real. You might be going through it now, or you might be going through it tomorrow. Either way, you will have those moments. But whether it is a divorce, tension between a parent and a child, or financial struggles, joy will come in the morning! In the midst of failed relationships or consequences of bad decisions, joy can be had. If we shift our perspective, we can view the poor decisions, injuries, and deficits of life as simple speed bumps on our path to eternal victory because we know, that one day, we will be in perfect union with the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.

That kind of joy is the joy that the Holy Spirit is offering.