Friends

Single At Heart: The Ones vs. The One

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Chapter five was by far the most insightful and helpful in DePaulo’s book, Single At Heart. Entitled “The Ones,” the message is clear-single at heart people flourish because of their investment in a posse of friends rather than putting all of their emotional and relationship capital into just one person.

After decades of obsessive preoccupation with the study of marriage and romantic partnerships, scholars are increasingly turning their attention to friends.

The awareness of the possibility of a rich life as a single person through friends cannot be overstated. It starts by dropping the fantasy that one person, The One, will be sufficient. DePaulo’s shared research makes that clear.

What does having The Ones look like? It could be through the formation of what some call chosen or found families. Found family members choose over and over again to be there for one another when neither law or custom demands it. These relationships honor authenticity, knowing and loving one another as you are.

As for all the other possibilities, it looks however works best for you. There isn’t an expectation that has to be met. One single person’s group of Ones could be large and another’s much smaller. DePaulo said she doesn’t have nearly as many Ones as others. She has someone she turns to when she has good news, a different person she seeks out when she’s distraught. When she needs to vent some righteous anger, that’s usually someone else.

As a different example, here’s how one subject explained her friends:

There is the friend with whom I go on road trips, the friend who I go to see movies with, the theater buff who is my companion when I wish to see plays, the foodies who like trying out new restaurants like I do, and the potluck and other dinners I have with friends.

Then there’s the reality that some singles at heart can be their own source of comfort and security. Other people aren’t as necessary.

DePaulo’s advice for the Single at Heart:

If friends are at the center of your life, you already take them seriously. Let other people know that…If other people do not have a particularly important place in your life and that’s how you like it, own that too.

Single person, may your Ones enrich your life!

Photo by Considerate Agency on Unsplash

Valley/Highland/Grace Friends

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I’ve written about friends in previous posts. Nose hair friends. 21st Century friends. Even three types of hard times friends. This morning a new thought bloomed based on the song in this video.

I first heard this song after being pointed to it by a nose hair friend going through hard times. It’s on my 2025 Rest Playlist, which I started my day with today. Because friendship was on my mind, I listened to this song with a different ear and heart.

Here’s the thought that surfaced:

Some friends are better valley friends; some friends are better highlands friends.

I can hear some head scratching. “John, true friends, real friends don’t care about valleys and highlands. They’re in it for all of it.” Heard. But let me tell you my experience.

Back in the early-90s while in my 20s, I had a group of friends that got together often to play card games. Anywhere from 4-6 of us. We were friends mostly through work and church. Some were married, some single. We were very much highlands friends.

Eventually we all parted ways as relationships go, yet we tried to keep in touch. And then, one of the couples got a divorce. In that moment, we were challenged.

I had never experienced friends getting a divorce. For that matter, I’d never experienced anyone divorcing that was close to me. It was foreign territory. An unknown valley that I was more observing than experiencing. And as much as I tried, it was just awkward. The result? These days we’d call it ghosting. I felt a lot of guilt about it.

Forward five years, another couple of church friends got divorced. This time, I knew better, and I was the valley friend they needed. I had grown in what it meant to be a friend through the valley. That experience led me to go back to my first divorced friend and acknowledge I could have been a better friend through his valley.

Here I sit almost thirty years later, and it’s like I’m the opposite-better valley friend than highland friend. And when I listened to this song this morning with my friend evaluator hat on, it was a call to grace.

Grace for myself. Sure, I’d like to be the ideal friend regardless of the space. When I believe I’m not, grant myself grace to grow in whichever land my friend is walking.

Grace for my friends. Sure, I’d like them to be ideal friends regardless of my space. When I’m tempted to say they aren’t, grant them grace to grow in the land I’m walking.

Maybe the lesson isn’t as much about valley and highland friends. It’s about grace granting, to others and to myself. “All the same.”

Becoming Rooted (book review)

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Each aging day I’m realizing it’s a fantasy to think there is another human being who thinks and acts exactly like me. Some days I wallow in it. Most days I accept reality.

Example #1: Not all my running friends agree with me about ideal running conditions. Mostly the disagreement is temperature. The longer the run the cooler the preferred temperature (upper 40’s-lower 50’sF). For 4-6 mile runs, just keep it out of the 60’s, please.

Example #2: Even more of my friends don’t view engaging politics and current events how I do. Some would say I need to pick a side or at least stay more informed. I’m pretty adamant that the best approach is meeting in the middle and pursuing unity over division.

As I read Randy Woodley’s Becoming Rooted, I thought about several of my friends. Some would never read this book. Some would thoroughly enjoy it. And there I sit in the middle, perfectly content.

Although it’s designed as 100 meditations to read daily, I chose to read several in a sitting. The meditations are grouped under 10 sections, 10 meditations each. Just a couple of pages, each meditation punches a thought ending with an action step. Thoughtful and practical. Challenging and unifying. Welcoming disagreeing friends into a conversation to remind you that you are connected to each other and therefore rooted to one another.

Woodley sums up his efforts through the meditations with this list of values in the final one:

  • Respect: Respect everyone. Everyone and everything is sacred.
  • Harmony: Seek harmony and cooperation with people and nature.
  • Friendship: Increase the number and depth of your close friends and family.
  • Humor: Laugh at yourself; we are merely human.
  • Equality: Everyone expresses their voice in decisions.
  • Authenticity: Speak from your heart.
  • History: Learn from the past. Live presently by looking back.
  • Balance work and rest: Work hard, but rest well.
  • Generosity: Share what you have with others.
  • Accountability: We are all interconnected. We are all related.

Back to my fantasy, maybe more friends will choose to read this book than I imagine.

3 Hard Times Friends

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The latest episode of Everything Happens drove me home a few hours ago. The guest was Sam Wells, Vicar of St Martin-in-the-Fields in Trafalgar Square, London, since 2012. The conversation centered on this question: How do you stay close to someone whose pain you can’t fix, whose questions you can’t answer? I encourage you to listen.

In her conclusion, Kate shared these thoughts:

I loved Sam’s three categories for being a friend through hard times. There is being for someone. That’s all the actiony stuff that we can think of when someone is struggling. That’s the boy, oh boy are they helpful. Dropping off a meal, organizing a fundraiser, driving them to and from an appointment, just the like checking it, doing it in the mix. Then there’s the being in with someone. That’s practicing empathy of seeing and understanding someone’s painful realities, of not making them feel other. Like there’s this Plexiglas wall between you. And then there’s being with them. Now, this is the toughie. Being with means staying present without any words to say, any tangible comfort to offer, or any ability to fix their circumstance. Being a friend involves one or all of those three. Being for, in, and with. 

I was baptized into being with in a room at Baptist Hospital in Gadsden, Alabama. I was 12. My dad was the cancer patient in the bed needing his trachea tube suctioned periodically. There was no talking. There was little to do. There was little choice but to be with.

Over the last 44 years I’ve tried to be a hard times friend. There’s been a lot of being for. Not as much being in with, but some. But it’s been the last decade where being with has resurfaced the most. And I have to say it comes with a little “no thank you” mixed with “what an honor.” “No thank you” because it rarely comes without flashbacks. “What an honor” because it’s sacred, beautiful, and lifegiving.

I recognize with Kate that hard times friends can be one or all three. Truth is, we can rest in being the right one in the moment; there’s no pressure to be them all. As for me, I’m striving to recognize when it’s my time to be with, run toward the pain I can’t fix, and sit in the unanswered.

Photo by Frederic Köberl on Unsplash

5 Friend Descriptors

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These may be reminders. They may be challengers. They are descriptors John Sowers wrote to his daughters about what it means to be a friend.

  1. Friends help us become who we were born to be.
  2. A friend helps us see ourselves.
  3. Wise people have a small friend circle.
  4. Here’s a friend secret: be a friend initiator.
  5. Here’s another friend secret: be an encourager.

(Chapter 21, Say All the Unspoken Things)

Photo by Rene Bernal on Unsplash

21st Century Friends

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I woke up this morning smiling. I got to spend 3 hours with a 21st century friend last night. Let me explain.

We met in 2016 by way of the land of phone conference calls. He lives in Ohio; I live in Florida. We took some coaching classes together and have pursued friendship since. What other century has afforded humans such interaction? Thus, a 21st century friend. Which leads me to think about the guy I wrote about in my last blog post.

We met by Zoom. He lives in Wisconsin. Odds are you’ve never heard of what he does. He is a Virtual Reality pastor for his church. No kidding. I kept saying to him, “This isn’t why we’re talking, but I have so many questions.” No other century has imagined humans going to church virtually. Which leads me to think about conversations I had earlier this week with a friend in Jordan.

We met…wait for it…in person. Six years ago I traveled to Jordan twice with a few folks from our church to provide services for Iranian and Syrian refugees. That’s where I met Homero, who by the way is Brazilian. On that trip I was introduced to What’sApp. I had no choice in order to connect with our airport shuttle driver; that was her means of communicating. So since then, Homero and I occasionally connect from wherever he is in the world through means of an app. What other century has allowed instantaneous conversation with anyone anywhere in the world? Which brings me back to last night with my Ohio friend.

We were on a walk towards ice cream after eating dinner on St. Armands Circle. We were passing a store, guessing by the window display, was some kind of gift shop. But a sign by the door included ice cream and baklava. I said, “Hey, I have to go in here. I’ve never seen this place.” I ended up walking out with more Turkish baked goods than one human should purchase. More about that later.

Come to find out, the sales clerk encouraging my baked goods splurge just arrived in the U.S. three months ago from Turkey. “I came to America to get my PhD in climate change and to reap the benefits of what’s possible here so I can return home to help my country.” He shared his story in pretty good English. Imagine our shock when he said he didn’t speak English when he left Turkey. To explain his amazing 3-month-English-speaking capacity, he said, “I watch YouTube.”

Thinking about all four of these connections makes me smile. Here’s to the 21st century, and all the friends it affords!

Dear Keith

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I can’t explain it. You totally caught me off guard, and honestly, sort of freaked me out.

Friday at lunch I was telling LeeAnn a story. Like a flash in a dream, there you were sitting beside her. And you were gone as soon as you had come. You took my breath away. And then I probably freaked her out.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the empty booth across from me. I couldn’t speak, overwhelmed with shocks of joy and sadness. The sight of you right beside her just like it was a normal day here on earth was simultaneously bizarre, natural, and beautiful.

When I finally composed myself, all I could say to LeeAnn to explain my sudden pause was, “I wish Keith was here to hear this story.” Typical LeeAnn, she flowed with it. But she said something that still has me thinking. After stating she wished the same thing, she told me my moment was honoring. I suppose it was.

I was at your memorial service. I didn’t share anything from the stage. So I never publicly shared any statements of honor. But apparently, twelve years later, it’s coming out. Had I had the opportunity to say something then, who knows what I would have said. But having had you on my mind for two days, here are three things I honor you for.

You took phone calls. It’s been almost 15 years since we had a very memorable phone call. I was beside myself. You were steady as a rock. You talked me off the ledge and gave me courage when mine was gone. Because of your faithful presence to your friends, many of us carried on when we thought it was impossible.

You cheered. No, I’m not talking about for Alabama, although that’s true. I’m talking about your unending support for anyone pursuing growth, needing support, or lacking that “I believe in you” voice. I’m guessing it was true for men and women, but you seemed to have a God-given heart for guys that is rare and therefore highly valuable.

You gave. The fact that you X-men-like showed up at lunch testifies to this. But the biggest testament to this is what I see now in your family. They carry on the giving. They know how to give because you modeled it and never stopped.

No, you weren’t physically at Ferraro’s on Friday. But without question, you were spiritually. If my tears and these words honor you, so be it. I’m grateful to have seen you and to have been reminded of these important ways you blessed so many.

Thank you for joining the booth…Roll Tide!

Photo by Ambitious Studio* – Rick Barrett on Unsplash

For Their Sake

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Thanks for listening. It was the second time I admitted this situation today. My ability to articulate it gives me the opportunity to internalize it. Radical acceptance. I appreciate your question and your willingness to listen. Thank you, friend!

Email I received recently

I thought my question was innocent. But apparently, to them, it wasn’t. Why?

Space. In that moment, they weren’t looking for it, but space was provided for them to put words to their emotions, their current situation, and their understanding. Space is sacred, particularly when it’s for and with the one who needs it.

Seen. In that moment, they were allowed to freely share, receive reflection, and affirmation. Being seen satisfies a natural hunger and may reveal more behind the hunger than previously understood.

Self-awareness. In that moment, they saw their reflection. They saw themselves with integrity and acceptance in a way that said, “It’s okay. I don’t have to necessarily like what I see, but at least I see myself more clearly. Now I have an idea how to respond, how to move forward.”

Got a question you’re not sure to follow a nudge to ask? For their sake, not yours, ask.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

“But” Problem #1

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(A series on lessons learned from running this year)

I’m sure I’ve made it clear before, but I’m okay repeating myself.

Running in the Florida summer is dreadful. This summer, however, I did much better than any summer prior. But that doesn’t mean all went well. Looking back, two particular days stand out…and they’ve got clear takeaways, both having to do with self talk where a “but” led to a problem.

Both happened on Saturdays. Both happened when I drove to run with friends in a running club. Both involved first-time experiences.

The first Saturday experience happened actually back at home after the run. That morning I decided to add a few miles for my long run of the week. And, surprisingly, I managed the run quite well. In fact, I was feeling pretty good about myself. So good, in fact, that I veered away from my normal recovery routine.

My Saturday long run routine is pretty well set.

  • Hit the pavement by 6
  • Minimum 8 miles
  • Recovery starts with a banana and water
  • Stretching while running an Epsom salt bath
  • More water and half a bagel while letting the salt do its thing
  • Shower
  • More fluid and food
  • Nap usually follows within an hour or two, if possible

On this Saturday, I broke routine. I was feeling so good, so surprisingly good, that I let a “but” lead me to break routine. And it led to a personal violation.

“I can’t believe how well I feel. I killed that run. Normally I drink more water while in the bath, but I’m feeling quite good. No water today. I’m mean, it’s only like 8-10 ounces. What’s that matter?”

Did I mention the bath is as hot as I can make it? Which means even more sweating. Which I don’t mind at all…until it’s time to stand up to shower. And this time, my body had something to say.

My body decided it had had enough. And the first-time experience was finding myself waking up on the shower floor not long after wondering, “What is the deal with my head?”

The problem with this scene was I ignored what I knew was wise, common sense, and established. I allowed my mind to accept a problematic “but.”

Lesson #1: “Buts” lead to violations. Violations lead to fetal positions in the shower.

Photo by Karim Ghantous on Unsplash

Mountain Climbing State of Mind

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Two weeks ago I completed a 14er. That’s what Coloradans call hiking one of their mountains that has an elevation over 14k feet. Not an easy feat for this Floridian. In order to get to the top, I employed several mind games; some worth sharing, others are none of your business. I roleplayed being novel characters, rewrote song lyrics, and said “Lord, have mercy” the most ever in one day. And my friend Danny, who suckered me into this adventure, witnessed it all. Well, most of it. (at the base) Danny is a native. Pretty disgusting how easy this was for him (some of that none of your business mind games). And he’s a Cubs fan. Seriously-who needs enemies with friends like Danny? All the way up and all the way down, Danny looked out for me. Sometimes right by my side, but most of the time yards ahead, usually within eyesight. It didn’t really matter, though, where he was. Knowing he was there somewhere was enough. I never felt abandoned. Not by Danny. Maybe by my lungs, but not by my friend, guide, encourager. I didn’t always have my eyes on him, but I knew he was around. (Danny capturing me ascending) If we humans can do that for each other, imagine the depth that God can. 
  • He’s everywhere simultaneously. He’s by my side, up trail, at the peak, and back in the parking lot, all at the same time.
  • He’s communicating constantly. Listening to my jokes, my whining, my singing, my doubting, my spoken and unspoken thoughts, and responding compassionately.
If anyone’s native, it’s God. Been around forever. Witnessing our everything. Created all those humans hiking up the mountain he spoke into being. Wise and discerning to give us Dannys. Whatever adventure he invites us on, the answer should be “yes.” You might call it a mountain climbing state of mind. (from the peak)