There’s a leadership philosophy that ministers and other leaders are often encouraged to adopt. I believe it’s a myth. I’ll go a step further to say it’s not biblical; in fact, an argument could be made to the opposite.
This philosophy, which I’ve never heard spoken on in any seminar nor was it taught in any of my seminary classes, goes something like this: Pastors can’t have, shouldn’t pursue, and must avoid friendships in the church. If you’ve never heard that before, read that again. And stop and meditate for a moment about it.
One commentary note I come to is this: No wonder ministers find themselves in unhealthy places. For whatever reason, they ignore the “one anothers” of scripture, miss the example of Jesus, then find themselves isolated in a kingdom of one wondering where everyone else is.
I’ve observed everyone else is enjoying and learning to embrace the benefits of the kingdom. In the kingdom of heaven, the citizens receive both encouragement and challenge to be like Jesus. While on earth, he intimately lived this out with his disciples. And it appears his relationship with three of them was a deeper level-one would probably call them friends.
I can’t imagine the last 23 years of my life had I lived by this philosophy. Do I get exemption because I’m single? May I say for all the single people, “Wake Up!” Your marital status doesn’t automatically determine your friendship need. All kingdom dwellers need other dwellers to encourage and challenge them. We all need friends.
Today, thank God for your cheerleaders, your encouragers, your challengers. Pastors and leaders, if these people are scarce in your life, what are you willing to do about it? Your isolated kingdom lacks. Take a step toward the life of your Redeemer. Pursue friendships. Live in the blessing of Jesus’ hope for all kingdom dwellers (John 17).
In 2006, Dr. Henry Cloud published what I believe to be his best book entitled Integrity.
His objective is to connect the dots for how integrity and character work day to day. To do that, he outlines six character traits that enable talents and abilities to get their desired results:
- Creating and maintaining trust
- Seeing and facing reality
- Working in a way that brings results
- Embracing negative realities and solving them
- Causing growth and increase
- Achieving transcendence and meaning in life
It’s rich. I finished re-reading it last night. Yes, it’s one of those books. Here’s proof:
- Underdevelopment leaves a gap between where we are at any given moment and where we need to be. That gap is our need and opportunity for growth.
- Dysfunction is when an effort toward making something better makes it worse. That is when we are in trouble. And both a lack of integration and a lack of development can do that.
- We trust people who we think hear us, understand us, and are able to empathize with our realities as well as their own.
- Research has for decades proven that you can help desperate people immensely by giving them no answers at all, and only giving them empathy.
- If you want to leave the best wake possible, leave behind a trail of people who have experienced your being “for them.”
- Wise people are “cautious in friendship,” as the proverb says. They seek to get to know a person clearly, as a person truly is, before they hire him, marry him, become partners with him, or divorce him, fire him, or not go forward with him.
- It behooves all of us to be working on whatever unresolved pain we are walking around with, lest some issue in “reality” tap into it and overcome our ability to make good decisions.
- Secure identity is about who a person is, not what he does or what his results are.
- People oriented toward growth want others to grow as well as themselves.
- The immature character asks life to meet his demands. But the mature character meets the demands of life.
- The one question that hovers above all others in importance for a person’s functioning in life is “Are you God, or not?”
I got a call today from a friend looking for a reference for his friend. He flew states away to help his friend who is in crisis. He illustrated this truth about friendship-you do what you don’t have to.
A friend doesn’t have to tell you the hard truth.
A friend doesn’t have to go to bat for you.
A friend doesn’t have to give you their time.
A friend doesn’t have to offer you help.
A friend doesn’t have to sacrifice for you.
A friend doesn’t have to go the extra mile.
A friend doesn’t have to do for you what you aren’t capable of doing for yourself.
A friend doesn’t have to care about your future, your success, or your wellbeing.
A friend doesn’t have to choose to be your friend.
But because they do what they don’t have to, you can call them friend.
Who in your life does what they don’t have to for you? Thank God for them. Thank them for them.
My guess is most readers of my blog have not read Susan Cain’s book Quiet. My encouragement is that you should.
Her book first came on my radar in 2012 when I heard her interviewed briefly about it at a Catalyst conference. I was intrigued but didn’t reach for it until now. Too bad I didn’t read it earlier.
Why? Because she helps you get it-the differences between extroverts and introverts. She helps you embrace your introversion, if you are one. And she helps the extrovert understand you. Yes, that’s possible. She even gives you insights into those people who appear to be one but are really the other. You’re intrigued now, aren’t you?
So who should read this book?
- Anyone who suspects they are introverted but aren’t sure
- Anyone who knows they’re introverted and struggle with it
- Anyone who lives with an introvert
- Anyone who works for or leads introverts
- Anyone who wonders why they are drawn to have introverted friends
Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them in energy, authenticity, and even physical health. Others seem aloof or self-contained, but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and a soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet. P266
This is one of those books to not only read but add to your library. Power Up!
I’ve been obsessed with this book while listening to it. So much so that when disc 7 wasn’t listenable because of scratches, I checked out the book today in order to read what I missed. (NOTE: Manatee County Library rocks! Not only did they bring the book from another branch to the branch closer to me to pick up, but they also called to let me know it was ready. BOOM!)
Nando Parrado is one of sixteen survivors of a 1972 plane crash in the Argentine Andes Mountains. Another book, Alive, was written and made into a movie in the 90s. I’ve never heard of this story, so I was riveted by it. My riveting is a credit to Parrado’s storytelling and personal account of the survivor’s ordeal.
If you enjoy true stories that make you think and marvel, you should read Parrado’s book. You’ll be satisfied. But what you’ll hopefully also receive are some life lessons to model. He gives you plenty. These 72 days gave more than 72 lessons. The survivors continue to live them out. Read it and see what you could live out.