Behind the Curtain: 3 Questions Leaders Must Ask (Post #3)

(Written by Mark Stanifer, SightShift Certified Coach and founder of Dare2LiveCoaching.com)

You’ll recall from Parts 1-2 of this series that the question being explored is this: “What questions must be answered to ensure your public persona matches your behind-the-curtain private one?” There is one more question a leader must wrestle with in order to ensure alignment between public and private personas.

Let’s return to the account of Jesus in the wilderness and explore the final test.

Avoid or Sacrifice

In the third test Jesus faced, the tempter changed tactics a bit. In the previous two, Jesus’ answer came from the truth found in the sacred scrolls. For this third test, the enemy began with words Jesus would have been familiar with from Psalm 91. Again, we must understand that while Jesus was the Christ, he was also a human. A human that was destined for a difficult ministry path and a brutal death. A daunting mission if there ever was one.

One can debate how much Jesus knew of the path that lay ahead of him. What is clear is that he understood his mission and the sacrifice it would require. As a leader, you are not asked to make the same sacrifice that Jesus was. Still, pursuing your becoming and your mission will require sacrifice. The temptation in this third test is for a shortcut, a way around the difficulty and an easier path to success.

The third question to ask is this: Where am I trying to avoid the sacrifice and take a shortcut?

Have you ever had this thought, “If this is what God really wanted, why isn’t it easier?” Or maybe for you it sounds like, “If I can just speed things up the impact will be greater.”

The way the story was written in Luke 4 gives no indication to the time between question and answer. It also does not describe what thoughts Jesus may have had prior to this about the sacrifice that lay ahead. It does not take speculation, though, to conclude that this test was a targeted attack on what the enemy perceived as a point of vulnerability. Why else would he go there?

It’s a point of vulnerability for leaders as well. The easier road, the safer path, the shortcut around the struggle, what leader isn’t tempted to consider that? Still, personal experience and the stories of others confirm for that process really is the “shortcut.” Meaning, attempts to find a way around the challenge or the sacrifice don’t lead to better results faster. Only lesser results more quickly and missed opportunities to pass the test and be refined in the process. Jesus showed the way, and the way is through it.

Pubic and Private Persona

What did Driscoll, Hybels, and Zacharias have in common? Among other things, they failed to stay consistent in asking these three questions to help pass the tests they faced as leaders:

1. Where am I trying to take for me rather than give for others?

2. Where am I compromising, rather than committed to, my values?

3. Where am I trying to avoid the sacrifice and take a shortcut?

Jesus’ example wasn’t just a divinely perfect man disconnected from his humanity. For him to be what the Father intended, he needed to know the full human experience. In so doing, he showed the way, including the way to ensure that the behind the curtain leader is the same as the one in front of it. The strength and resolve that Jesus displayed came from a grounded understanding of his identity and a clear vision of his mission. That same strength and resolve is available to all leaders by following the same process. Receiving from the Father a grounded sense of identity and allowing that to compel one consistently forward in the mission He has for us.

It seems fitting here to allow James the last word: “Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the [refining] of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4 (emphasis added)

Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash

Who’s Your Alvin?

Yesterday I met Alvin. Alvin is a medical assistant. I was in his office for an exam.

At the start, he had that moment where he was trying to create conversation, somewhat to see if his patient would talk. Did I need to talk or not, you know, that awkward avoidance of silence that we try to fill. He wouldn’t know that I wasn’t looking for conversation. It was 8AM. But I honored his efforts.

One way I did that was to ask about the very faint music I heard. His replied, “Oh, it’s Christian music. I have to have it playing.”

That’s all it took. When I said I thought I recognized the music, he felt released to go down the church conversation. I let him guide the conversation, inquire whatever he wanted, express his thoughts, etc.

How would I have known that he’d land on the topic of how challenging the job of being a pastor is? He described his observations about people having no idea the things pastors have to deal with, how scrutinized they are, the stress they deal with, and that they rarely seem to be able to relax.

Then he said this: “My pastor and I have a pretty close relationship that I’m grateful for. And our family makes a point to make our home a safe place for him and his family. I’ll call him up and invite them over just to give them a place to be themselves and hopefully release some stress. We don’t talk about church stuff. Our family wants to make sure we do what we can to support the pastor and his family.”

I’m just smiling on the inside and saying to myself, “He has no idea who he’s talking to.” Then he asked what I thought about it. I decided to answer that I’m a preacher’s kid. He busted out laughing. “Well, I don’t have to tell you. You’ve seen it all, from the inside.” I left it at that.

I was Alvin’s first patient. I left thinking he’d had a good start to the day. I know I had. Why? I witnessed a man not only seeking to live a holy life given a chance to express his faith but also to model what many people need in their lives. Many people, particularly anyone in a leadership position, need safe people. The safe people they need have no agenda other than to honor them, respect them, accept them as human beings, and support them in ways they may not even know or acknowledge they need.

But let’s be real. Everyone needs safe people. Everyone needs an Alvin. And we all have the chance to be an Alvin.

Who’s your Alvin?

Whose Alvin are you?

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Saying No to Say Yes (book review)

I don’t recall how I came across this book. I’m guessing it was a “if you like that book you’ll like this book” Kindle referral. God bless Kindle.

If you are remotely involved with pastors (you are one, you serve one, you sit under one, you counsel one, you plan to be one, you’re married to one, you are searching for one, you just hired one, you used to be one), this book is gold. Why? Because the church world more often than not fails when it comes to pastoral boundaries. Ask your pastor.

We cannot become an expert at anything if we are responding to everything.

If for no other reason, get the book for chapter three, Setting Boundaries in Anxious Congregational Systems. Congregations become anxious for all kinds of reasons. That’s part of community. In those anxious seasons, they respond in various ways. Chapter three discusses four of those: projection, scapegoating, triangles, and multigenerational transmission. Immensely helpful.

The greater the anxiety, the more primitive the functioning of members… The greater the anxiety and emotional contagion, the more primitive and reactive people become and the less capable of creative thinking.

Chapter three also introduces the topic of differentiation-the ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one’s emotional functioning.

True differentiation is the ability to go home, not become emotionally reactive, and attempt to maintain a one-to-one relationship with key members of the family… Trying to keep everyone happy is not differentiation nor is avoiding or cutting off from unpleasant people. Differentiation is the ability to lead, set clear boundaries, say “no” when necessary, while at the same time building intimate relationships – even with those with whom we disagree.

All pastors will face boundary issues. It comes with the serving people career. If your pastor is up to pursuing excellence, he will agree with this final quote:

It is our job to preach, teach, and live a gospel that doesn’t depend on human over-functioning but on God’s grace.

Do him and yourself a favor. Get copies of this book and start creating healthy boundaries that connect to an overwhelming “Yes.”