Questions

“Why Not” > “What If”

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I’ve worked part-time for the last two years for Chemistry Staffing as a candidate interviewer. If I thought I knew anything about interviewing before then, I learned quickly I had more to learn.

In a recent staff meeting, the leadership team shared a mindset shift that I completely found refreshing and certainly gracious. Already leaning this direction, the alignment was immediate.

Mindset Shift: “Why Not” ➝ “What If” 

Moving away from disqualifying too quickly and leaning into curiosity:

Old posture: New posture: 

“Why not move this person forward?” “What if this could work?”

Examples:

  • Experience: “He only has 6 years, not 10.” → What if his 6 years included higher complexity than average?
  • Education: “She doesn’t have a master’s.” → What if her teaching and theology are stronger than most grads?
  • Age: “He’s 32; we wanted 40+.” (pick the age, vice versa) → What if he brings energy and innovation beyond his years? What if she has plenty left in the tank?
  • Compensation: “They’re at $75k; we can’t afford them.” → What if they’d take less for the right fit?

Key takeaway: Stay open-handed in early conversations. Gather more information. Avoid prematurely filtering out strong potential fits.

How this is an improvement:

  • Less transactional > more relational
  • Less arrogant > more humble
  • Less rigid > more flexible
  • Less closed > more open
  • Less judgmental > more gracious
  • Less about the interviewer > more about the interviewee

CHALLENGE: Put yourself in both seats. What’s your current mindset? What shifts would you like to pursue?

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Journaling For Beginners, Part 3: Three Imagining Questions

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In the last week, I heard another pre-determined set of questions that take a different approach to reflective journaling. They came from chapter three, “Hello To the Imagination,” in Padraig O Tauma’s In the Shelter.

  • How would you describe today?
  • Have you seen anything interesting on the way?
  • Is it working?

What I like about this set of questions is their openness. They create reflection that is deeper and broader, not solely focused on what happened after the alarm sounded.

Asking yourself to think about what you saw interesting is a different way of remembering. It’s not asking you to judge. Basically, what caught your attention, what made you curious. Feels like neuroplasticity in action.

Yes, the vagueness of “it” in question three is intentional. You get to decide what “it” is. You might need more than a page for that one occasionally.

Personally, I don’t see myself using this set of questions regularly. But they make a great tool, one I’ve chosen to add to the box.

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Let’s Talk

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Started listening to a new audio book, In the Shelter by Padraig O Tuama. In chapter one he asked an interesting question about prayer, one I’ve not heard worded this way before. “Where is it that we are when we pray?”

It’s a different way to challenge one’s emotional and mental approach to prayer.

We are often in many places. We are saying to ourselves, “I should be somewhere else,” or, “I should be someone else,” or “I am not where I say I am.” In prayer, to begin where you are not is a poor beginning.

To begin where you are may take courage or compromise or painful truth telling; whatever it takes, it’s wise to begin there. The only place to begin is where I am.

Not where you want or feel you ought to be. This could mean rather than naming your present state-confused, frustrated, hurt, angry, lonely, unhappy, etc.-you ask for where you want to be or where you feel it is your duty to be-fulfilled, joyful, connected, healed, satisfied, understood, peaceful, etc.

Not in many places. We can often pray about what has happened, what we fear is going to happen rather than what is happening in this moment. We can be drawn to focus on the past or the future to the point that the present is ignored, maybe even avoided. The result that we aren’t even intending can be distance, even creating space for drifting to begin.

I believe what he’s encouraging is twofold. One is raw honesty. The other is naked vulnerability.

Prayer that is honest and vulnerable, not pious or fake, says to God, “I’m here. I believe you are too. Let’s talk.”

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3 Hard Times Friends

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The latest episode of Everything Happens drove me home a few hours ago. The guest was Sam Wells, Vicar of St Martin-in-the-Fields in Trafalgar Square, London, since 2012. The conversation centered on this question: How do you stay close to someone whose pain you can’t fix, whose questions you can’t answer? I encourage you to listen.

In her conclusion, Kate shared these thoughts:

I loved Sam’s three categories for being a friend through hard times. There is being for someone. That’s all the actiony stuff that we can think of when someone is struggling. That’s the boy, oh boy are they helpful. Dropping off a meal, organizing a fundraiser, driving them to and from an appointment, just the like checking it, doing it in the mix. Then there’s the being in with someone. That’s practicing empathy of seeing and understanding someone’s painful realities, of not making them feel other. Like there’s this Plexiglas wall between you. And then there’s being with them. Now, this is the toughie. Being with means staying present without any words to say, any tangible comfort to offer, or any ability to fix their circumstance. Being a friend involves one or all of those three. Being for, in, and with. 

I was baptized into being with in a room at Baptist Hospital in Gadsden, Alabama. I was 12. My dad was the cancer patient in the bed needing his trachea tube suctioned periodically. There was no talking. There was little to do. There was little choice but to be with.

Over the last 44 years I’ve tried to be a hard times friend. There’s been a lot of being for. Not as much being in with, but some. But it’s been the last decade where being with has resurfaced the most. And I have to say it comes with a little “no thank you” mixed with “what an honor.” “No thank you” because it rarely comes without flashbacks. “What an honor” because it’s sacred, beautiful, and lifegiving.

I recognize with Kate that hard times friends can be one or all three. Truth is, we can rest in being the right one in the moment; there’s no pressure to be them all. As for me, I’m striving to recognize when it’s my time to be with, run toward the pain I can’t fix, and sit in the unanswered.

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When I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know

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One of the more liberating understandings I came to appreciate years ago was that there are times I don’t know what I don’t know. Well, maybe at first it wasn’t liberating. Probably more frustrating…until grace stepped in.

This came to mind recently when I read Joshua 7. Talk about a frustrated leader. Joshua was deep in it. Here’s how he voiced it to God:

7 Then Joshua said, “Oh no, Lord God! Why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan? Was it to hand us over to the power of the Amorites, to destroy us? If only we had been prepared to live on the other side of the Jordan! 8 Please forgive me, Lord. What can I say now that Israel has retreated before its enemies? 9 The Canaanites and the whole population of the land will hear of it. They will surround us and make our name disappear from the earth. What will you do about your great name then?”

In this moment, Joshua had no idea what Achan had done. In all reality, it’s possible he didn’t even know Achan. Think about it. A man he may not have known was the reason behind his questioning, pleading, and speculating. Joshua didn’t know what he didn’t know.

These type of scenarios can be an opportunity to hit pause. Before finger pointing at God or spraying the mirror with the “why’s, what are you doing’s, or what will happen’s,” some additional questions are available that usher in curiosity and temper impatience.

  • What am I missing?
  • What don’t I know that would be helpful to explore discovering?
  • Is it possible I’m in the ripple of someone else’s wave?
  • What do I believe about God’s character, and how does it fit with my current reaction and posture?

Those kind of questions change prayers, create stillness, and offer a seat beside restorative waters. When and if I need to know what I don’t know, it will come. This is a moment for grace…and there’s plenty available.

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“It’s Why I Keep Coming Back”

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Had a little “aha” moment this afternoon during a conversation.

I was answering this question: “Between all the areas of your life we’ve been discussing, where is your soul being nourished?”

Part of my answer was to say the very space I was in. And then I followed it with, “That’s why I keep coming back.”

Seemed significant. The question and the answer.

The question because I was being asked to identify/name where my soul nourishment is coming from right now. Not in the past. Right now. You might want to sit in that question right now also.

The answer was significant for more than the obvious identified by my coming back. But I also admitted my soul’s nourishment was not coming from any of the suggested places. And that was okay. It was more than okay.

It made me carry the thought further.

  • Where do I keep coming back?
  • Is it soul nourishing?
  • If so, how would I like to attend to that in my routine?
  • If not, how can I eliminate it from my routine?

I encourage you sit with the question and your answer. You might be surprised where you keep coming back.

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Behind the Curtain: 3 Questions Leaders Must Ask (Post #1)

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(Written by Mark Stanifer, SightShift Certified Coach and founder of Dare2LiveCoaching.com)

“What questions must be answered to ensure your public persona matches your behind-the-curtain private one?”

John posed that question to me recently. While he didn’t elaborate on where it came from, knowing John there was an experience that led to him asking himself that question first. And then he followed his curiosity, wondering how others would answer it. In this article, I approach the question from a leadership lens. But, in truth, what follows applies to anyone who wants to fully be who they were created to be.

In thinking about that question, I couldn’t help but consider some very public and horrendous examples of where leaders displayed public personas that were very different than the one behind the curtain. Mark Driscoll, Bill Hybels and Ravi Zacharias come to mind immediately. Despite any positive impact these leaders had, it is now obvious that what was behind the curtain did not match the image on public display.

These are just three negative examples. The splashy and traumatic ones that make the news. There are countless others, as well as countless examples of where the public and private personas did match. Although they don’t make the news, no doubt you’ve experienced both.

So what makes the difference? What are the ingredients that lead to congruency in the personas of some and not others? What can we draw from the failures, and not just the epic and public ones, that will help us avoid similar outcomes? I’m going to borrow a line from C.S. Lewis’ opening forward to his book, Mere Christianity, here. There are “far more, and more talented, authors already engaged in such matters” as to the numerous differences between leaders who are congruent or not in public and private personas.

Instead, let’s return to the original curiosity of what questions can help lead to congruency for the leader.

The Temptation of Jesus

In Luke 4:1-13, the gospel writer describes the testing of Jesus in the wilderness. The importance of the experience Jesus had immediately before this — his baptism and the Father’s affirmation of Jesus’ identity — cannot be overlooked when considering the wilderness account of chapter 4. Jesus knew who he was and where he was going before facing the test of the wilderness. That was the foundation that allowed him to pass the test.

Yet, in the testing, we see a glimpse of what all leaders face. Jesus, as a man, was subject to the same temptations we face. Paul affirms this in 1 Corinthians 10:13. The Message version says this, “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.” Including Jesus.

James 1 also talks about testing and trials and temptation. It’s helpful here to think of these words as describing a process of refining, so we can be “mature and complete, lacking nothing” (v4). In other words, the tests and temptations which life brings are opportunities the Father uses to help us become the fullest and best expression of who He wants us to be.

Although likely obvious, it is worth stating that the congruency of public and private persona to which we’re aspiring in this article is one in which the leader’s example is loving God and loving others. Christ-like. And with Jesus as the example, we find in his wilderness temptation three questions a leader can ask to help pass their own tests. To help keep the visible persona aligned with the behind-the-curtain persona.

Take or Give

The first test Jesus faced came after a 40-day fast. Jesus was hungry. The account in Luke 4:2 says so. It is not true to the text or Jesus’ humanity to believe otherwise. Jesus’ tempter surely understood that; otherwise the first question would have been different. There is no doubt that Jesus desired food. But in that moment, his desire for food was not greater than his desire to be grounded in who he was, who the Father said he was.

The first question a leader can ask is this: Where am I trying to take for me rather than give for others?

Jesus had the authority and the power to do what the tempter was suggesting. He had the desire for food; anyone fasting for only a few meals know that same desire. He had the means. He had the motive. And now had an opportunity. Yet he resisted the temptation. He passed the test and was refined in the process, because he chose not to take for himself.

This isn’t to say that desires should be denied or ignored. Hunger, left unfulfilled, doesn’t give life. Desire is natural, and God ordained. But when desire is not channeled by the grounding of one’s identity it will result in the choice to take rather than give. The consequences of taking for oneself could be small or they could be significant. Think of David and what his desire did to Bathsheba and Uriah and the ripple effect on his kingdom and impact as the leader.

Motive is important here. It’s what makes the difference between cooperating with the testing (refining) process and pushing against it. This first question helps the leader uncover the motive surrounding the desire — Is it for me and my gain or for the benefit of others?

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(Series continued tomorrow)

Blog Series: Behind the Curtain

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No matter the organization you choose to analyze, there’s an understanding every one doesn’t see all the stuff. There are things not seen or known by the public and, often, not the majority of those engaged in the organization (staff, volunteers, etc.). Some call it seeing behind the curtain.

Others refer to as organizational politics. I’m not a fan of that label, but it’s understandable why people use it. And therein lies what we’re really analyzing-people.

The stuff behind the curtain is actually the actions/interactions of organizational leaders. How do they get along? How do they manage themselves? Is there a mirror anywhere, and who’s responsible for its use?

It seems healthy, thriving organizations care about what’s behind the curtain as much as, if not more than, the other side. A couple of weeks ago in watching a young organization I wondered to myself what it would take for it to be one of those organizations for the long haul-an organization whose public persona matches what’s behind the curtain.

I invited my friend Mark Stanifer to join the wondering by sending this question: What questions must be answered in order for what’s behind your organization’s curtain to match your public persona? The result is a blog series that we’ve co-authored.

Mark’s contributions focus on questions for leaders; mine focus on questions for the leadership team.

Keep watch for Mark’s first post.

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Nose Hair Friends

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I came home the other day from an outing. During my get comfy routine, I recalled a moment earlier when a team member had pointed out something was on my face.

I went to look in the mirror. Sure enough, there was nothing to see where he had me wipe away the snack crumb. BUT, what I saw in the mirror was more disturbing. One obvious nose hair longer than acceptable in my right nostril. I immediately thought, “Why didn’t he point that out, too?”

You may ask, “John, who does that…point out long nose hairs?” I asked myself that same question, and thus this blog entry.

It’s a test. What level of friendship does it take for a friend to point out something wrong with their friend’s appearance? Does it even take a level of friendship? When it comes to nose hairs, I’m convinced it does. 

I say this because of experience. I recall two nose hair conversations in my 30s. One with a friend and his wife. She and I told him he needed to address his two growing bushes. He whined that it wasn’t comfortable. But guess what, he agreed. Why? Because two valued people were looking out for him. The other conversation was with a roommate. We had all kinds of conversations that only close friends do.

Why am I bothering with this thought? One, because it makes me chuckle. Two, I find it an interesting friend test. Who are the friends in your life that will talk about nose hair, yours or theirs? Whoever they are, keep ’em. They are few and far between and worth any uncomfortableness.

DARE: Call or text a friend to say, “Thank you for being my nose hair friend!”

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The First Guy Through the Wall

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AMC is currently showing Moneyball in its rotation. My world usually stops when it’s on. It brings me joy.

Watching it last night, this scene particularly stood out. Some would say it’s the best scene in the movie. Hard to say. But there is a great line in this scene I’d like to chew on.

“The first guy through the wall, he always gets bloody. Always.”

For those unfamiliar with the movie’s story, this scene is toward the end of the movie. The character Brad Pitt plays is the General Manager for the major league baseball team the Oakland A’s. He’s just led them through a historic season that began a shift in the sport. For that matter, in many sports.

How did he do that? He integrated math and science into the operations of running a baseball team. He was the first to do it. And he paid dearly for it. He got bloody.

In an earlier scene, he is challenged by the guy he brought in to lead this change. When he started traded players that didn’t make sense to the average baseball executive, he was warned that it wouldn’t be popular. This clip is the end of that exchange.

Leaders, one could say if you don’t have some blood on you something’s wrong. “What are we doing here?” If you’re looking at the wall wondering if it’s worth it, check your questions. They may not be the right ones.

Being the first leader through the wall takes courage. Take a few steps back and start running.