Relationships

The Dignity Index

/ johngregoryjr / 1 Comment

On some things I’m slow, but hey, I’m moving.

I just discovered yesterday that I can create a playlist of podcast episodes on my app. Who knew?

I came across it trying to figure out a shortcut to relisten to two episodes I experienced while driving back and forth to Georgia for Thanksgiving. These episodes shook me in ways my soul said, “Do it again.”

Yes, one of the episodes was from Everything Happens. The guest was Tim Shriver-educator, author, and longtime Chairman of Special Olympics.

Many takeaways. But the one I’d like to shine a light on is The Dignity Index. Development beginning in 2021 and launched in 2022, the Index is an eight-point scale for measuring how we talk to each other when we disagree.

The Dignity Index is designed to draw our attention away from biases and toward the power we each have to heal our country and each other.

This seems to be needed like no other time. In whatever arena you choose, dignity is often disregarded and sometimes replaced with contempt, which is represented by the lower four scores on the Index.

The Index is a tool for learning, awareness, correction, and uniting. We all can use more of that. I know I can; thus, the episode is on my playlist.

Where in your relationships is dignity lacking, maybe even absent due to contempt? What role might you have to ease divisions, prevent violence, and solve problems? What are you willing to do?

Single At Heart: The Ones vs. The One

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Chapter five was by far the most insightful and helpful in DePaulo’s book, Single At Heart. Entitled “The Ones,” the message is clear-single at heart people flourish because of their investment in a posse of friends rather than putting all of their emotional and relationship capital into just one person.

After decades of obsessive preoccupation with the study of marriage and romantic partnerships, scholars are increasingly turning their attention to friends.

The awareness of the possibility of a rich life as a single person through friends cannot be overstated. It starts by dropping the fantasy that one person, The One, will be sufficient. DePaulo’s shared research makes that clear.

What does having The Ones look like? It could be through the formation of what some call chosen or found families. Found family members choose over and over again to be there for one another when neither law or custom demands it. These relationships honor authenticity, knowing and loving one another as you are.

As for all the other possibilities, it looks however works best for you. There isn’t an expectation that has to be met. One single person’s group of Ones could be large and another’s much smaller. DePaulo said she doesn’t have nearly as many Ones as others. She has someone she turns to when she has good news, a different person she seeks out when she’s distraught. When she needs to vent some righteous anger, that’s usually someone else.

As a different example, here’s how one subject explained her friends:

There is the friend with whom I go on road trips, the friend who I go to see movies with, the theater buff who is my companion when I wish to see plays, the foodies who like trying out new restaurants like I do, and the potluck and other dinners I have with friends.

Then there’s the reality that some singles at heart can be their own source of comfort and security. Other people aren’t as necessary.

DePaulo’s advice for the Single at Heart:

If friends are at the center of your life, you already take them seriously. Let other people know that…If other people do not have a particularly important place in your life and that’s how you like it, own that too.

Single person, may your Ones enrich your life!

Photo by Considerate Agency on Unsplash

Single At Heart: Psychologically Rich Living

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

While traveling a few weeks ago, I read one of the more interesting books for my year.

I intentionally sought out a book on this topic for various reasons, mostly due to observing challenges of recent divorcees and contentment struggles of younger singles. This book did not disappoint.

DePaulo’s approach is thorough, very direct, and heavily researched. You feel like you are listening to an authority on the topic of single living.

Her research led her to this label for those who have come to the conclusion they really aren’t interested in being coupled; they are content in their heart to remain single. To determine one’s level of being single at heart, she developed a 15-question questionnaire. You can find it on this link: https://belladepaulo.com/2019/10/single-at-heart-tell-me-about-your-life-in-your-own-words/

I want to highlight two thoughts in this post and one to follow, although there are many more worthwhile nuggets. The first highlight comes from social research referenced in chapter 1. This study asked people in nine nations to describe their ideal life choosing between three options-happy, meaningful, or psychologically rich.

On their deathbeds, a person who led a happy life might say, “I had fun!” whereas a person who had a meaningful life would think, I made a difference! The parting thoughts of the person who led a psychologically rich life would be, What a journey!

DePaulo determined the psychological richness of single at heart people is the most distinctive, even if they also experienced happiness and meaningfulness. I not only found this insightful, but completely agree.

Following this discussion, she then approached the value of authenticity of single at heart people. Acknowledging anyone of any relationship status can live authentically, she added this insight:

People who are single at heart, though, who are bucking powerful social norms, are especially likely to think deeply about who they really are and what they really want.

These thoughts jumpstart the book. They lay the foundation for what I believe could be excellent dialogue for people of all relationship statuses whose outcome could be psychologically rich living.

Attached to God (book review)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Last Fall I read Krispin Mayfield’s Attached to God.

I wrote one post about a lament exercise he outlined, but I never offered my thoughts about the whole book once I finished. Today, I finished rereading it. Time to share.

I’m a little obsessed.

My hunch is that anyone wishing to understand or improve their relationships with humans and with God would also believe Mayfield delivers on the subtitle’s promise of a practical guide. His effort to breakdown attachment science then connect it to one’s relational experience with God produces clarity and hope for any breakdown to be restored.

Of all my highlights, here are three to whet your appetite.

Distance happens in all relationships. (Chapter 1, “The Still Face of God”)

A friend of mine recently made a self awareness by saying, “I guess I live in a fantasy world.” I’d say that’s true for many professing Christians in regards to their beliefs about how close they are expected to feel to God at all times. Mayfield argues human relationship with God is like our other relationships-distance happens.

I was in my 30s before I fully accepting this truth. Many close friends moved and distance happened. It’s normal. That doesn’t provide comfort or easy acceptance, just normalcy. Learning how to respond to distance in a secure way is worth the effort, for you and for the relationship.

Information doesn’t change your beliefs, experience does. (Chapter 4, “Shutdown Spirituality”)

When religious folks get their head around this one, attachment shifts. And it’s a struggle. Why? We are programmed that attending church or a study group is the sole means of establishing beliefs. Any transparent pastor or counselor would most likely agree with Mayfield. They’ve seen how experiences affirm or alter beliefs, in their own lives and in those they serve.

From my experience, this has definitely played out the last 15 years for me. Traveling to other countries, visiting other denominational churches, and dialoguing with Christians on the other side of all kinds of aisles has made me check my beliefs. And yes, some have changed.

In any authentic relationship, there’s room for real talk. (Chapter 10, “The Risk of Trust”)

When people describe what the younger generations are looking for in their attachment to religion and God, the word authentic comes up regularly. I believe age doesn’t matter; we all hunger for it. This 57-year-old does.

RECOMMENDATION: For all your attachment seasons, secure or insecure in any relationships including God, this book deserves space in your library.

Tall Order God

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

In a recent interview, a pastoral candidate described what he was hoping for as “a tall order.” I replied, “I’m pretty sure God can handle tall orders.” Not that He’s obligated to any human’s orders, but He’s more than capable to fill them.

You got a current tall order?

  • Selling a house
  • Repairing a relationship
  • Getting out of debt
  • Forgiving yourself

Whatever it is, consider these talking points in your prayers the rest of this week:

  • Recall and thank God for filling your previous tall orders
  • Align your will with His
  • Ask him to do it again

Photo by Andrew Jenkins on Unsplash

Behind the Curtain: 3 Questions Organizations Must Ask (Post #2)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

I grew up a PK. For those outside of church world, PK stands for preacher’s kid.

In addition to growing up in a preacher’s home, I also spent over 20 years serving on church staffs. There are many interesting dynamics to being on a church staff, but I believe one of the keys to organizational health behind the curtain has to be relationships.

In my dad’s day, the prevailing thought was pastors didn’t make friends in their churches. I hear that thought, but I never accepted it for myself. More and more, this seems to be the choice. Reality is, either way you live, it’s going to come with some challenges. But that’s true about all relationships, right?

Building on the first question about values to ensure your public persona matches your behind-the-curtain private one, it seems you must answer this question about your team: How are you building community in your organization?

Community is all about relationships. A healthy community invests in one another, cares for one another, listens to one another, trusts one another, celebrates one another, challenges one another, and commits to one another. If any of these actions are what you claim to do for your customers, it has to be going on in your team also. Community requires intention. It has to be pursued.

Leaders, to engage this question further, here are four more questions for your team to discuss:

  • In our hiring process, how much attention is given to community health?
  • What have we done in the last six months to build community?
  • How well does our team pursue community by growing in understanding one another?
  • Who’s really in charge of the community behind the curtain?

May your community behind the curtain shine in front of it.

Photo by Windows on Unsplash

Humble Inquiry (book review)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

What a first read for 2024! Not sure how I came across it, but Edgar Schein’s Humble Inquiry is both refreshing and challenging. And I read the first edition not realizing there is a second edition. Wonder what I missed?

We cannot hope to understand and work with people from different occupational, professional, and national cultures if we do not know how to ask questions and build relationships that are based on mutual respect and the recognition that others know things that we may need to know in order to get a job done.

Introduction: Creating Positive Relationships and Effective Organizations

Schein contributed over five decades to the field of organizational health, a good portion of that as a MIT professor. His work was/is countercultural to the mindset of Doing and Telling.

Humble Inquiry is the art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.

Introduction

Schein repeatedly describes relationships with these words: trust, interactive, conversational, building, investing, processing, shared value, and mutual. After chapter 1’s focus on defining humility, chapter 2 shares case examples to which Schein keeps referencing through the remaining chapters. These three statements display the chapter’s nuggets:

Don’t assume that the person with the question has asked the right question.

Accessing your ignorance, or allowing curiosity to lead you, is often the best guide to what to ask about.

Humble Inquiry is behavior that comes out of respect and the desire to improve the quality of the conversation by stimulating greater openness and the sharing of task-relevant information.

Chapter 2, Humble Inquiry in Practice-Case Examples

Chapter 4, “The Culture of Do and Tell,” gives the most countercultural challenge, at least to U.S. readers. He believes the main problem standing in the way of better relationships and conversations is our culture that values task accomplishment more than relationship building. A second problem is asking, in general, is less valued that telling. Schein suggests the key to overcome these problems is Here-and-now Humility, described in chapter 1 as admitting dependence on others.

Schein culminates his work well with the last chapter as a “how to.” He makes a helpful acknowledgement that a culture shift requires unlearning and new learning, which result in two types of anxiety he labels survival anxiety and learning anxiety. The courage to face anxiety can result in beautiful relationships that otherwise wouldn’t surface.

A well-timed Humble Inquiry that launches a conversation that leads to a relationship should be thought of as a thing of beauty. Innovations in how we conduct conversations should be treated as art.

Chapter 7, Developing the Attitude of Humble Inquiry

Anyone in leadership will grow personally and relationally by reading Humble Inquiry. I’d also encourage business/executive coaches to read Schein’s book to sharpen themselves and to resource their clients.

Putting Ourselves in the Center

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

My annual reading of AWE by Paul David Tripp last month was timely. It also was impacted by growth in the last 12 months. I read through a different lens. Result: I continue to appreciate the big idea that checking our awe is valuable.

The first quote that stood out to me in this reading was from chapter 4, “Replacement”:

When we put ourselves in the center of the story, not only do we become rebels against God, we become a danger to ourselves and others.

Is putting ourselves in the center of the story a battle? For everyone. Is the thought that this means rebelling against God and endangering everyone mainstream? Nope. Maybe that’s why everyone battles it.

We don’t have to agree with Tripp. What we can do is challenge our mind and spirit to check our heart when we find ourselves in the center of the story. Is God on my heart’s throne right now? Are any relationships struggling right now? How is my joy and rest?

The second quote that stood out was from chapter 13, “Work”:

If you look to achievement to feel good about your life, to feel secure, or to have a life of meaning and purpose, then you will be dissatisfied with today’s success.

This sounds familiar (check out this post). The buzz of achievement dies. That buzz will not be satisfied by another achievement. Funny how my achievement also puts me in the center of the story.

When we find ourselves in the center of today’s story looking for the next buzz, it’s time for an awe check.

Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash

Leadership Success: Learned Before or After?

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

“It is likely that leadership success, both current and future, will be determined more by the learning that takes place after being given a leadership assignment than by what has been learned prior to it.”

Gene Habecker in The Softer Side of Leadership

Read this quote for the first time this week. It’s made me think and reflect.

I’ve always held the philosophy that what has been learned prior has prepared a leader for success in a new assignment. However, Habecker has made me consider the learning after being in a new position. I believe there are stipulations as to whether this learning leads to success more than prior learning.

STIPULATION #1: What’s the leader’s ongoing approach to learning?

Is it ongoing? Is it plural, meaning it focuses on all areas of life? If the answer to either of these is no, learning is going to be minimal and therefore success will be hindered. Leaders never stop learning.

STIPULATION #2: What’s the leader’s level of humility?

Followers of Patrick Lencioni have heard his repetition on the needed virtue of humility in leadership. Humble leaders in a new assignment will have a greater bend toward learning. They carry a “I haven’t been here before and have a need to learn” posture that paves the way for ongoing learning.

STIPULATION #3: What’s the leader’s inclusion of interpersonal relations learning?

The temptation exists to believe this is a one-time effort. Or that by a certain age there’s nothing more to learn about relationships. Or a resignation to “this is just who I am.” A new assignment will bring new relationships. An ongoing, humble learning posture toward those relationships will be important for successful leadership.

I met a leader this week that I believe understands these stipulations. He is less than a year into an assignment that came with more firsts and surprises than he anticipated. In his late 50’s, he certainly has prior learning. But he is keenly aware it is not enough.

So yes, success for him, for that matter for all of us, will be based on pursuing learning – ongoing, humble, all-inclusive learning.

Photo by Charles Forerunner on Unsplash

The Best Book I’ve Read This Year

/ johngregoryjr / 1 Comment

Finished the most meaningful book I’ve read this year. I’m glad to have followed the breadcrumbs to be introduced to Chuck DeGroat. Toughest People to Love (2014) is the first of his books I chose to read.

There are many things to appreciate about his style of writing.

  • He makes it clear where he’s going
  • He balances instruction with stories
  • He provides solid references
  • He gets to the point
  • He scored points with me by referencing Dr. Curt Thompson several times

It’s not lost on the reader that DeGroat chose to include “love” in the book title. He comes across as wanting that for you and for the people in your life.

We’re not called to make people feel bad or guilty. We’re called to lead them to an honest appraisal of themselves, which in turn leads to honesty before God and others.

Chapter 5, Loving the fool: when relationships turn ugly

It’s not a gooey love that he’s after. He means it when he asks for honesty. DeGroat achieves truth and love as an author, showing a great balance as a former pastor and a professor.

Consider the fragmented, dualistic thinking of the modern world. Often psychologists see depression merely as a neurochemical problem that needs to be fixed with medication and therapy. And too often pastors spiritualize psychological maladies that may require further expertise…Compassion does not ignore the truth. It enters into it, wrestles with it. It requires a solidity and strength of relationship with others which endures even in times of extraordinary difficulty.

Chapter 6, Growing through pain: the gift of the dark

Part three of the book is likely the part that will most deeply speak to readers. The three chapters focus on personal growth, and he mentions the concept of wholeheartedness (he has another book by this title, by the way; on my “to read” list). His clarity on the divided heart from a biblical view leaves no question as to what that means and why it needs to be addressed.

One glaring symptom of the divided heart is exhaustion…To be whole, we need to be healed, and this takes a lifetime.

Chapter 7, Living with wholeness: rest and resiliency in the leader’s life

For leaders, he saved the best for last in chapter 8, Growing into leadership maturity: self-care and the art of shadow-boxing. He describes five disciplines that involve “practice and ritual-the give and take required in any relationship.” He also gives the following description of American culture, one that I firmly agree with:

I’ve heard many criticize American culture, and even American Christians, as self-consumed. I beg to differ. I see people who are afraid of themselves.

If you fall in any of the following categories, I encourage you to read this book:

  • People who know they could love better
  • People who are leaders in any capacity
  • People who can’t figure out how to love a significant other
  • People who aren’t satisfied with their current capacity to love
  • People who enjoy the works of Dan Allender, Curt Thompson, Richard Rohr, Eugene Peterson, David Benner, and Henri Nouwen