Values

The Gift of Balance: Work (Part 1)

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(This is part one of the third topic in a series on the subject of balance. It being the holidays, we thought titling this series the gift of balance seemed appropriate. By “we,” I’m referring to the series contributors. Joining me in this series are Mark Stanifer and Tonya Waechter. We talked in and out of two thoughts, so this entry will be the first half of the conversation continuing tomorrow with the second half.)

Mark: I believe work is beneficial and important, but it isn’t a separated secular and sacred thing that our Christian community has made it out to be. Work isn’t the end all to be all, so the balance is valuing it correctly.

Tonya: Everybody benefits from work.  You feel better about yourself, and scripture backs that up.  My perspective on my work is that it is my calling and ministry. I feel passionate about it and called to do it. Even so, it’s not what gives me value. My work flows out of my “being,” who I am in Christ.  So my work gives me satisfaction as it flows from that place.

John: So is the question how to have balance or how to avoid being unbalanced?

Tonya: I think they flow together. My work is my calling, but there are those who think their work is their means to provide for their families and they don’t connect it with a calling. Colossians 3:23 helps us, whether we see work as a calling or a means to provide, to approach it as unto the Lord. Finding satisfaction in that is important.

John: One way I believe we can get unbalanced in our work is by compartmentalizing life in such a way that we leave God out of our work life, like you were suggesting Mark. For the person who hasn’t grabbed a hold of the fact that God is with us 24/7 and cares about all details of our lives, it’s a challenge to stay balanced because God isn’t acknowledged in all areas of life. He doesn’t have full access. That’s a temptation.

Mark: I see two tempting thoughts there. There’s the “I don’t know how or I don’t want God in my work area of my life.  I’ll keep him contained to my religious area.” The other aspect has to do with understanding the idea of sacred versus secular, like Tonya was talking about.  Maybe that distinction is a myth, and we just need to go do what God has given us to do with the skills we have. Regardless of what that is, it’s opportunity that we don’t have to describe as sacred versus secular.

Tonya: That’s makes me think of Brother Lawrence who talks about being in the presence of God even while he’s washing dishes in the monastery. How do we give God glory in whatever our work is? I think you’re right in saying we as the church have led that in the wrong way with the idea that if you’re called to ministry it looks one way.  We are all called to ministry. What does that mean in your everyday work life?

Mark: That leads into a thought that if we view something as “God’s work,” we can do it 24/7 and get out of balance because it is my calling, it’s sacred. That’s not healthy and particularly in the scenario of when it leads to neglecting your spouse, children or other key relationships. That’s a temptation people can fall into.

John: Is that a misdirection of someone trying to find their identity and worth and using this work as a deflection?

Mark: That’s certainly part of it. They can also be taking on too much responsibility for accomplishing God’s purpose and trying to own too much of it. Other important things in life suffer detriment.

Tonya: I see this happen a lot with the pastors I work with. I think it comes from a misguided understanding of priorities. Every minister can spout out the priorities of God>family>ministry, but their practices don’t always match. There is a confusion between what is my time with God and what I do for God.

I like where this is going because if we go back to what was said at the beginning, a well-defined idea of work will help us across the board. If the most important thing is to understand who we are in Christ first, then what we do comes out of our being. Whether we are a pastor, a doctor, or a garbage collector, everything we are doing is under God’s glory. Our work isn’t where we find our value or who we are. The work flows from who we are. I can’t work to the point I’m neglecting important relationships, my body, or my personal time with God. So for me as someone building a coaching practice, I have to set my hours ahead of time. Otherwise I will allow clients to dictate my schedule. That wouldn’t be good stewardship and balance.

John: This circles around the mentality, “it all rests on me.” Someone can take the savior mentality that the success of the company or ministry is all on them and they have to make it happen. That imbalance is another way of squeezing God out.

Tonya: Like in our coaching practices, “I have to build this. I have to make this happen.”

John: And subtly, we don’t even recognize that we are doing it.  There’s a check on who’s running the ship. “How much control do I have or should I not even try to have?”

Mark: There’s a phrase that I read a while back that has stuck with me. “Do what is yours to do and trust God to do the rest.” We can only do so much. Coming to that conclusion is easier for some than others, but if we simply do what is ours to do and trust God to do the rest, then it’s more likely to work out the way he wants it to work out. It may or may not be what we had laid out, but it will be more aligned with his plan and purpose.

The Gift of Balance-Family & Parenting (Part 1)

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(This is part one of three for the second topic in a series on the subject of balance. It being the holidays, we thought titling this series the gift of balance seemed appropriate. By “we,” I’m referring to the series contributors. Joining me in this series are Mark Stanifer and Tonya Waechter. In part one on the subject of family and parenting we address one question.)

What are the most important areas to maintaining balance in leading your family?

John: To get the ball rolling here, the three things that came to my mind when I thought over this question were discipline, communication, and values. What I mean by communication is that it’s consistent. Whatever we are communicating has to be consistent with our values. You can’t best determine your discipline and communication if you don’t know what your values are. 

Tonya: Early on, we found Covey’s book 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. He gave some cool ideas about writing vision statements for your family, so we did that. You know, “What’s our compass pointing north for our family?” Communication was one of those important pieces. Making sure there were times we were sitting in circles, seeing each other eye to eye-couple time, one-on-one time with the kids-with the intention of making sure the kids knew they could talk. Those were helpful to us early on.

Mark: Early on in our family building, we were convinced a healthy marriage was foundational. This meant time away with each other as well as time away alone. We joked with the kids, “We didn’t choose you kids, but we chose each other. After you’re gone, it’s still going to be us choosing each other.” So there was the spousal marriage relationship first. The other thing that we were pretty convinced on was that we wanted to be family-centric not kid-centric. We had witnessed, while out grocery shopping and mall shopping and just being out in public, kid-centric families. We wanted life to be about family as a unit together.

Tonya: Covey talks about that, creating atmosphere where we are all for each other. We are helping each other reach their dreams. I like that mentality.

Mark: Yeah, as kids get older and they are getting pulled in various directions it is important to emphasize that we are here for each other. You know, there is no playbook or rule book to follow; it’s a little trial and error as you go. Having values established up front makes it easier when it comes to making decisions and choices down the road.

Tonya: Learning to live out of your values has been on my heart lately. That is important for the kids. Letting them see you walk the talk.

John: So while y’all have been talking, my brain has been focusing on the challenge to think about this question as a family of one. Two words are coming to my mind: contentment and respect. Maintaining contentment is huge for a single person. You can choose to be discontented for a whole bunch of reasons and look for it in many wrong ways. Being content in whether your singleness is lifelong or seasonal is part of keeping balance. And I say respect because there is a level of respect that a single person has to own for themselves, much like the respect you have both talked about relating to being family focused. Finding the level of self respect that keeps you balanced rather than seeking it elsewhere is also important.

Tonya: When you live out of those places of contentment and respect, you also live out of those places where you know how to say no, places that will be healthy for you.

John: As part of your role as parents, you are training your kids in what it really means that God loves you. It’s not just that you love them; God loves them. We all have that journey to walk through. Whether we are a family of one or twenty, every person in the household should live out of the fact that God loves them first. When I live out of that, whatever I get out of the rest of the people in the house is icing on the cake. 

Tonya: That used to be one of the favorite things I said to my boys when they were little. When I’d tuck them in I’d say, “I love you as much as I possibly can, but I don’t love you the most. It’s God who loves you the most. He will always love you better than your mom and dad.” I always wanted them to understand that.

Mark: The idea of contentment resonated with me. There have been seasons in my life where I missed a previous one or am looking past a current one and I had to be reminded to be content in this one. I’m on the floor changing a nasty diaper, and I can’t wait until diapers are gone. And then I realize that what that comes with is this child has grown, and this phase is no longer here, and the child will be different. So that contentment concept plays in my life and certainly in a married context as well. I have chosen some of this, and it is what I want even if it’s not always glamorous or pleasant. I’ve always said, “Golf will always be there. My kids will not.” So I can be content in being an involved dad today rather than chasing that white ball around the course. That will always be there. The kid’s focus is where I need to be today.

Tonya: I think we’re reevaluating all the time. You get off track and come back and say you have to reevaluate. I remember one time when my oldest son was probably eleven or twelve years old and was playing ice hockey, which we did a lot of, and he said to me after practice one day, “Mom, I looked up in the stands, and you and dad are the only parents there. It makes me feel so good that you are there watching me.” It reinforced for us that the hours of sacrifice were the right thing. There were a lot of other things we could have been doing, but this mattered most. And now that I’m sitting on this side where he’s now twenty and in New Jersey and my youngest is seventeen and a senior, I’m going, “I would go back to diapers.” That time is so short.

John: You just gave us all a great illustration. The child of God is always looking for his father in the stands of life. As you said that I thought any child wants that from their parent, and as a child of God we are looking for that as well.

The Gift of Balance: Series Introduction (Part 2)

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(This is part two of the first post in a series on the subject of balance. It being the holidays, we thought titling this series the gift of balance seemed appropriate. By “we,” I’m referring to the series contributors. Joining me in this series are Mark Stanifer and Tonya Waechter.)

Of the topics the rest of this series will cover, which one have you had to work on the most?

Mark: For me, it’s the work, career, job. I often use the analogy of a spectrum. At the tail end of my corporate career, I needed to change where I was on the spectrum. Too much work had become a detriment to my time, family, and even emotional health. So now I’ve shifted the pendulum to asking the question, “How much work should I be doing? Am I doing enough work?” My day looks so different. I’ve enjoyed a lot of personal time with family, but I have to balance the time to develop and grow a new business. Work is the area that most easily disrupts the other areas of my life. I’ve gone from placing balances on it, to trying to control, to asking what are my boundaries and what should I be doing. This one isn’t always a challenge, but it is the one that I need to pay the most attention to because it’s so influential to other components of my life.

John: Tonya, since you’ve counseled a lot of guys, would you say this is probably the case for most men?

Tonya: Yes, especially the “how much work do I put in” leading back to values. But this is my issue too. What I’ve had to learn, and learning to do all the time, is setting all my hours according to my values. My values have to be stated first. And then ask, “Do my hours reflect my values?” That helps me. If I don’t accomplish my tasks in the hours I’ve set, then I have to be okay with stopping. That was the biggest thing for me, being okay with not accomplishing everything that was on the list for that day.

John: I remember hearing Bill Hybels saying how he addressed that issue for himself. When the clock hit five, he gave himself an automatic stop. But before he left his desk, he’d pause and pray, “God, thank you for what I got done today.” Just a simple prayer that allowed him to leave and to leave stuff not done.

Tonya: That’s good. A professor once taught me that when I put my hand on the doorknob to leave to pause and say, “Everything that happened in this office today rest with you, Lord, and now I go home to my family.” Disconnect my brain from work and be with my family. Again, it comes back to values. We can give lip service to our value system, but do we live out of it. When we do, it’s a whole different dynamic because then I can be sitting with my kids and playing a game and have peace because that is a value for me, a higher value than my work.

John: My input on this question is coming from the backside of what’s been said on the work topic. The topic that goes hand in hand on this one is the idea of sabbath/rest/play. It’s not so much that I struggled with finding my identity in work. It was finding the balance between the idea that as a single person I can give more time to the job and the need to find balance between work and play. When I started running it wasn’t just because I enjoy it, which I do, but it was for that purpose to give me structure and personal accountability about the need for this balance. But even then, I had to work on not letting my play feel like work. The competitive drive or need to get better would mess with the balance. Injury is actually a good thing for me. It makes me slow down and pause to evaluate am I pushing too hard. Finding balance in play time helps correct any issues that are on the work side of it.

Suggested Resources:

Mark’s

  • Essentialism, by Greg McKeown
  • Living Forward, by Michael Hyatt
  • Jesus’ message – “Store up treasures in heaven, rather than here on earth.”
  • Quote by martyred missionary Jim Elliot – “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

Tonya’s

  • The Bible
  • Emotionally Healthy Leader, by Peter Scazzero
  • Leading on Empty, by Wayne Cordeiro
  • Dr. Leaf.com – 21 Day Brain Detox – podcasts, youtube channel
  • Sleep: It does a Family Good & Adrenaline and Stress, both by Dr. Archibald Hart

John’s

  • Integrity, by Dr. Henry Cloud
  • Awe, by Paul David Tripp

Do You Know Your Values? 

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I just finished reading a chapter in a book (Becoming a Professional Life Coach) I’m reading for one of my coaching courses. The chapter was entitled “Steering Your Life by True North.”  The following statement sums up the chapter’s intent:

It’s impossible to lead a fulfilling life that does not honor or that is out of alignment with our core values.

This question then rises: do you know your core values?  To clarify, core values aren’t the things you think you should value. They may not even be the things you currently have chosen to value. Your core values are the qualities that when lived you are unashamed and satisfied with how you’re living life.

To help you identify your core values, here’s an exercise from the chapter:

Think back to the qualities you had as a child. List 5 to 10 qualities that were true of you between the ages of 6 and 12.

You’ve been naturally drawn towards certain things ever since you were a child, and some qualities were just naturally part of you. You may have been naturally creative or thoughtful, or a lover of nature or beauty. You may have been a natural helper of others or may have been drawn to things that were new or different. Or perhaps you were an experimenter or explorer. These qualities may be among your core values or may be clues to help you identify them.

Sit down and quickly list 5 to 10 of these qualities right now. Circle all of those qualities that are still a part of your life and that come naturally to you. Include anything you would be and do if your work, time, and life supported you in fulfilling them. Also include things that people cannot stop you from doing.

May you know your core values! May you know your true north!