giving

Deliver Me (book review)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Meeting writers after you’ve read their book or blog is an interesting experience. My experiences have always been positive. I can’t think of an interaction when I walked away saying, “They weren’t at all what I expected.”

There’s a whole different vibe when you know them before they are published or start a blog. If you thought you knew them well beforehand, you find out pretty quickly that they have layers, stories that have made them the person you know. In many ways, you walk away from reading their work saying, “What a gift they just gave the world!”

That’s my response to reading my friend Dawn Van Beck‘s latest book Deliver Me. Only having crossed paths this last year, we are still learning our layers and stories. Well, I guess I can’t say that as much now since that’s pretty much what Dawn does in this book. And she doesn’t hold back.

Dawn’s raw vulnerability as she addresses regrets, shame, forgiveness, and letting go relays her healing journey to freedom. You can imagine she states many life-giving lessons, but here’s the one that I most appreciated.

That’s what happens when you give God a little-He creates more. (chapter 11, “Releasing the Shackles”)

In describing a dream where she experienced the release from shame and the gift of forgiveness, Dawn paints a clear picture of what I believe she did by writing this book. One belief of mine: I believe she gave more than a little. She gave a whole lot more. And God is creating even more.

Dawn, thank you for giving. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray God continues to create more.

Behind the Curtain: 3 Questions Leaders Must Ask (Post #1)

/ johngregoryjr / 1 Comment

(Written by Mark Stanifer, SightShift Certified Coach and founder of Dare2LiveCoaching.com)

“What questions must be answered to ensure your public persona matches your behind-the-curtain private one?”

John posed that question to me recently. While he didn’t elaborate on where it came from, knowing John there was an experience that led to him asking himself that question first. And then he followed his curiosity, wondering how others would answer it. In this article, I approach the question from a leadership lens. But, in truth, what follows applies to anyone who wants to fully be who they were created to be.

In thinking about that question, I couldn’t help but consider some very public and horrendous examples of where leaders displayed public personas that were very different than the one behind the curtain. Mark Driscoll, Bill Hybels and Ravi Zacharias come to mind immediately. Despite any positive impact these leaders had, it is now obvious that what was behind the curtain did not match the image on public display.

These are just three negative examples. The splashy and traumatic ones that make the news. There are countless others, as well as countless examples of where the public and private personas did match. Although they don’t make the news, no doubt you’ve experienced both.

So what makes the difference? What are the ingredients that lead to congruency in the personas of some and not others? What can we draw from the failures, and not just the epic and public ones, that will help us avoid similar outcomes? I’m going to borrow a line from C.S. Lewis’ opening forward to his book, Mere Christianity, here. There are “far more, and more talented, authors already engaged in such matters” as to the numerous differences between leaders who are congruent or not in public and private personas.

Instead, let’s return to the original curiosity of what questions can help lead to congruency for the leader.

The Temptation of Jesus

In Luke 4:1-13, the gospel writer describes the testing of Jesus in the wilderness. The importance of the experience Jesus had immediately before this — his baptism and the Father’s affirmation of Jesus’ identity — cannot be overlooked when considering the wilderness account of chapter 4. Jesus knew who he was and where he was going before facing the test of the wilderness. That was the foundation that allowed him to pass the test.

Yet, in the testing, we see a glimpse of what all leaders face. Jesus, as a man, was subject to the same temptations we face. Paul affirms this in 1 Corinthians 10:13. The Message version says this, “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.” Including Jesus.

James 1 also talks about testing and trials and temptation. It’s helpful here to think of these words as describing a process of refining, so we can be “mature and complete, lacking nothing” (v4). In other words, the tests and temptations which life brings are opportunities the Father uses to help us become the fullest and best expression of who He wants us to be.

Although likely obvious, it is worth stating that the congruency of public and private persona to which we’re aspiring in this article is one in which the leader’s example is loving God and loving others. Christ-like. And with Jesus as the example, we find in his wilderness temptation three questions a leader can ask to help pass their own tests. To help keep the visible persona aligned with the behind-the-curtain persona.

Take or Give

The first test Jesus faced came after a 40-day fast. Jesus was hungry. The account in Luke 4:2 says so. It is not true to the text or Jesus’ humanity to believe otherwise. Jesus’ tempter surely understood that; otherwise the first question would have been different. There is no doubt that Jesus desired food. But in that moment, his desire for food was not greater than his desire to be grounded in who he was, who the Father said he was.

The first question a leader can ask is this: Where am I trying to take for me rather than give for others?

Jesus had the authority and the power to do what the tempter was suggesting. He had the desire for food; anyone fasting for only a few meals know that same desire. He had the means. He had the motive. And now had an opportunity. Yet he resisted the temptation. He passed the test and was refined in the process, because he chose not to take for himself.

This isn’t to say that desires should be denied or ignored. Hunger, left unfulfilled, doesn’t give life. Desire is natural, and God ordained. But when desire is not channeled by the grounding of one’s identity it will result in the choice to take rather than give. The consequences of taking for oneself could be small or they could be significant. Think of David and what his desire did to Bathsheba and Uriah and the ripple effect on his kingdom and impact as the leader.

Motive is important here. It’s what makes the difference between cooperating with the testing (refining) process and pushing against it. This first question helps the leader uncover the motive surrounding the desire — Is it for me and my gain or for the benefit of others?

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

(Series continued tomorrow)

Dear Keith

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

I can’t explain it. You totally caught me off guard, and honestly, sort of freaked me out.

Friday at lunch I was telling LeeAnn a story. Like a flash in a dream, there you were sitting beside her. And you were gone as soon as you had come. You took my breath away. And then I probably freaked her out.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the empty booth across from me. I couldn’t speak, overwhelmed with shocks of joy and sadness. The sight of you right beside her just like it was a normal day here on earth was simultaneously bizarre, natural, and beautiful.

When I finally composed myself, all I could say to LeeAnn to explain my sudden pause was, “I wish Keith was here to hear this story.” Typical LeeAnn, she flowed with it. But she said something that still has me thinking. After stating she wished the same thing, she told me my moment was honoring. I suppose it was.

I was at your memorial service. I didn’t share anything from the stage. So I never publicly shared any statements of honor. But apparently, twelve years later, it’s coming out. Had I had the opportunity to say something then, who knows what I would have said. But having had you on my mind for two days, here are three things I honor you for.

You took phone calls. It’s been almost 15 years since we had a very memorable phone call. I was beside myself. You were steady as a rock. You talked me off the ledge and gave me courage when mine was gone. Because of your faithful presence to your friends, many of us carried on when we thought it was impossible.

You cheered. No, I’m not talking about for Alabama, although that’s true. I’m talking about your unending support for anyone pursuing growth, needing support, or lacking that “I believe in you” voice. I’m guessing it was true for men and women, but you seemed to have a God-given heart for guys that is rare and therefore highly valuable.

You gave. The fact that you X-men-like showed up at lunch testifies to this. But the biggest testament to this is what I see now in your family. They carry on the giving. They know how to give because you modeled it and never stopped.

No, you weren’t physically at Ferraro’s on Friday. But without question, you were spiritually. If my tears and these words honor you, so be it. I’m grateful to have seen you and to have been reminded of these important ways you blessed so many.

Thank you for joining the booth…Roll Tide!

Photo by Ambitious Studio* – Rick Barrett on Unsplash

8 Ways to be Kinder

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Recently I received a card that included an article cut out of The Wall Street Journal. The columnist wrote about the effects of kindness to our brains, particularly if we are the giver. She referenced Jamil Zaki’s book The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World. Beside the article was a list of kindness suggestions, particularly needed in our current climate. Check it out below.

Balanced Communities

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

Community. Whether we want to be or not, we are in community. And lots of it.

  • Family 
  • Work
  • Church
  • Neighborhood
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Charities
  • Hobbies

And the list could go on. And in all of these various communities we find ourselves in, we have a role as either a receiver or a giver; ideally, in the best of communities, we all work at keeping a good balance of actually being both.

We tend to focus on how much giving determines a community’s greatness. Generosity no doubt strengthens every fiber of a community. But let’s be honest; there are some challenges with being all about giving and disregarding the value of receiving. 

Jesus illustrated this in the scene where perfume was lavished on him. No one could out give Jesus. Yet he illustrated the humility to allow someone to give to him. Did he really need what he was receiving? Some thought no; he believed otherwise. A better question would be, how did Jesus receive the service from others that he taught them to give? In order to fulfill his own teaching of love and peace, he had to allow himself to receive it.

I’m not the best receiver. I’m a much better giver. What has helped my growth in receiving is this definition of community: experiencing Jesus’ love through other humans. I can’t control their giving and receiving, but I certainly can control mine.

Here’s to balanced giving and receiving in all our communities!

Give ‘Em What God Gave You

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

It’s possible for someone in my position to ask myself this question more than others; but the reality is we all ask it, consciously or not: “Why is this person in my life?”

Reality also is we can ask that question from a negative or a positive place. The negative place might contain spoken or unspoken expletives. The positive place would not; they would be replaced with a better question, something like this: “How can I fulfill the reason God placed me in this person’s life?”

When you read John’s account of Jesus meeting the Samaritan woman at the well (chapter 4), you get the sense Jesus asked this better question. It’s most likely what prompted him to start the conversation. He needed something from her, yet he wanted even more to reveal to her she needed something that only he could provide. The Father had brought them together for a reason.

If you were to make a list of those people you believe God has put in your life for a reason, who would make the list? What if you wrote their names down and then added by each name what that reason might be? It could be something as simple as to listen. Maybe a slightly bigger reason of to recognize. What if like Jesus, God has given you something unique that, with his help, only you could provide for this person? According to Paul in Ephesians 2:10, God’s already given you what you need to fulfill your reason. Nothing stands in your way. Go ahead. Give ’em what God gave you.

The Gift of Balance: Marriage and Singleness (Part 1)

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

(This is part one of the fourth topic in a series on the subject of balance. It being the holidays, we thought titling this series the gift of balance seemed appropriate. By “we,” I’m referring to the series contributors. Joining me in this series are Mark Stanifer and Tonya Waechter. This entry will be the first half of the conversation continuing tomorrow with the second half.)

Mark: When you think of maintaining balance in a marriage, the initial thing that may come to mind is relationship.

John: It seems there are two things to consider. One, what do you individually have to do to bring balance to the relationship.  Second, how does the couple work together to keep balance in check.

Tonya: One of the things that I remember probably halfway through my marriage was a moment when I felt God spoke to me to tell me that as a couple you don’t complete each other; you compliment each other. God completes us. He’s the lover of our soul. We can’t find that in our spouse.  But we can compliment each other, help each other grow.  So I remember that moment when he made it clear to me that when I walk closer with him and stay intimate with him, I actually don’t need as much from my husband. I still want closeness and intimacy, but when I’m close with the Lord I’m not trying to get things from my husband that he can’t give me anyway.

John: That reminds me of the triangle/pyramid illustration for marriage you’ve probably both seen where the two in the marriage are at the bottom on either end and God is at the top.  The more the two work toward God the closer you are together.

Mark: I just literally drew that on my notes.

John:  As simple as that is, it seems to be an easy tool to evaluate where I am working toward God as a person and also how we are working together toward him.

Tonya:  That speaks to singles also.  If God is first and the lover of our souls, then it brings peace to those who maybe are in transition and not wanting to be single that they are still whole and complete.  They don’t need a spouse to complete them.

I remember my dad used to use the picture of a coffee cup to illustrate it.  The cup is full of the Lord, and everything else is on the rim.  So if it falls off, it’s not that it won’t be painful, like if you lose your spouse or kids, but you can survive if your cup is full of the Lord. That’s always stuck with me-keeping the cup full with God first.

Mark: In order to have a healthy marriage, you really have to see yourself as healthy and whole first and not seeing all your needs met in the other person but in God. There is nuance and tension between relationship and companionship. It’s foundational to not look at the other person as meeting all your needs, or you’re going to be disappointed.

Tonya:  Because no person is capable of that.

John:  In light of being a married person, what’s different that you have to keep in check in your relationship with God?

Tonya: I’ve been writing a series on preventing leadership exhaustion and just recently wrote on marriage. To be married and have children, it does take more focus and energy, so it’s a little harder. When I was single and just met my husband, I was on top of the world spiritually and had no interest in dating. But when you fall in love, it becomes more challenging to make sure you’re still nurturing your time with the Lord.  You have to work at that a little bit more. You have to work at finding that balance for your time alone as well as your time together. You have to learn how to grow and encourage each other together.

My husband and I are as different as night and day, literally. The way he walks out his faith is very different than me. So how do you do that together? Finding that can be a challenge.

Mark:  I agree. From a different angle, there is an opportunity in a marriage to more deeply grasp what is means to love unconditionally. In this work you’re talking about, there are many opportunities to love this other person. By love I mean way beyond the emotion and feeling.  It’s the service, sacrifice, and action of unconditionally loving this companion.  Sometimes it’s easier than others, but it’s always front and center. You get this tangible opportunity to love this person in the way that Jesus loves us. I’m not sure that is about balance as much as it the difference between being single and being married and the opportunity it presents in what it means to love someone.

Tonya: Sacrificially.

John: Tonya, referring back to your “everything on your plate” exercise you talked about last week, the plate just looks different. There’s more on the plate-another person, kids come along-your plate is just different. There’s more on it, so the balance is keeping a healthy relationship with God based on what’s currently on my plate.

Tonya:  One of the things I’ve done since then has to do with a bull’s eye.  God is in the center, then your spouse, then your children, then your friendships, and then your ministry.  When I would teach pastors I would ask, “How do you do ministry starting with God and moving through your marriage, and then also back in?” The idea is that you don’t just make your own decisions.  They have to go through God, your spouse, your children.  It has to be right for your family first, then out through your ministry. But that’s for all of us in all the things that we do.

When I asked my husband about this, one of the things he said was that we make decisions together. So we make big decisions together-work decisions, moving decisions.  They take time and money, and impact everybody. So many of the leaders I work with have trouble grasping the impact of their decisions on their whole family. So this idea of using the bull’s eye was a different way to help them see it.

Mark: That’s an excellent point of being on the same page. Tonya, you and your husband are different.  My wife and I are very similar, so it’s fairly natural for us to be together on a decision and think the same way. That comes very easy.  For others who have differing personalities, it may be harder but it’s not less important.

Tonya: For sure, and I would not have any clue in how to just flow in a situation like that because we totally see the world through completely different lenses.  But you are right, so one of the things it comes back to is commitment. We made a commitment that means something; we meant it. When decisions have been harder, we’ve come back to our commitment to our vows, to taking the time to work it out. A lot of couples fall apart in those moments. “You don’t see it my way.”  They start to fall apart because they don’t have that strong commitment.

Mark: The picture coming to my mind is the balance between giving and getting in a relationship.  A commitment from both sides makes that easier. It’s harder to do when you feel like you’re the only one fighting. If both people work to be about giving first before getting, it’s like the oil that just makes the machine work better. The machine may break down at times, but the oil provides the lubrication when the friction comes when you are doing life together. Staying focused on the giving part first makes it more likely you’ll get the things you need out of the relationship as well.

Tonya: That’s right. When you are focused on giving and giving, your spouse will most of the time turn around and give back. You’ll get what you want when your heart is to give.  It’s that upside down thing we talked about before.  God’s kingdom is not the way the world’s kingdom is.

It’s Ok if They Say ‘No’

/ johngregoryjr / Leave a comment

When someone tells us no either directly in conversation or indirectly in their actions, we are tempted to take it personally. We are most tempted to do that when we were expecting a yes.

In my @youversion reading plan today, the topic was that God is a giver, in particularly a giver of choices. Here’s a quote from the reading:

When people say no, he allows it and keeps on loving them. God is a giver. And one of the things he always gives is a choice. But like a real giver, he also gives the consequences of those choices. He respects boundaries because he created boundaries in the first place. 

So if you want to give and love like God does, you can give others a choice to say “No…

  • …I don’t forgive you”
  • …I don’t want your help”
  • …I don’t like your decision”
  • …I don’t want to talk right now”
  • …I don’t understand where you’re coming from”
  • …I don’t agree with you”
  • …I don’t think you’re right for this position”

When you give them the loving choice to say no, then you will less likely take their no personally. It’s their choice. Give it to them. It’s okay if they say no.

Word to the Groom

/ johngregoryjr / 1 Comment

Had a first today. Went to a men’s event for a groom getting married this summer. We were asked to bring a used tool for his tool box. But not just bring a tool, also give a life application that tool represents and share a relatable Bible verse. 

I took a tape measure. Lots of application could be said using that object. You could talk about managing your money, keeping good margin in all areas of life, even who’s boss when it comes to decorating the house, even at the holidays. But I went down the Luke road. If for no other reason, because these verses (Luke 6:37-38) actually have the word measure in them.

Do not judge, and you would not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. But with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Good relationship advice straight from Jesus’ mouth:

  • You don’t want be judged or condemned? Don’t do it yourself.
  • You want to be forgiven and to receive? Forgive and give.
  • The amount/measure you do these things will determine the amount you receive them.

Many good measured years to the bride and groom!